I am currently in a relationship because I am a flawless human being who never made a single mistake or laughed so hard I peed (a lot) on a trampoline.
For you freaks who don’t deserve people to hold you close at night or start arguments right before bed, Twitter is here to tell you why you’ll definitely die alone.
Using #YouMightBeSingleIn5Words, users are tweeting deal-breakers that cause crippling loneliness.
Nobody wants to kiss that, loser.
Only Drake can pull this off, but nice try, dad.
Stay with your moms and off Tinder, murderers.
Nobody wants to wake up to this doll on your dresser, weirdo.
Stop cooking blue meth with your damn cat, degenerate.
Just take a normal shower for once, Tobias.
Humans don’t want electronic competition, nerd.
Don’t slather AXE all over your body, bro.
It’s rude to masturbate on the subway, perv.
Manage your expectations, crazy.
Actually, wait...I disagree with this one (10/10 would bang).
The secret to finding your soulmate is simple. Just be yourself, play it cool and go easy on the soda before climbing onto the trampoline.