'Fifty Shades Of Grey' Would Be Hilarious If It Were Written By A Guy
Once upon a time, America was a chaste and virtuous country governed by wholesome family values, but that was before it was corrupted by the ungodly crime against literature and human decency better known as "Fifty Shades Of Grey."
The book that inspired the movie hitting theaters this weekend was first released in 2011, and after it somehow became a bestselling sensation, it served as a fantastic source of entertainment thanks to a premise only slightly more ludicrous than some of the prose.
One of the products of the craze was Twitter account @50ShedsOfGrey, which sends out random snippets of an erotic novel catered less for sheltered housewives and more for men with a particularly refined sexual appetite.
The account eventually spawned a trilogy of books featuring a man with 50 black-and-white pictures of sheds on his wall, but if you don't have time to read them, you can take a look at some of the best shed-centered tweets produced by the account over the past few years.
It turns out words can be just as bad as stick and stones (or whips and chains).
'Hurt me,' she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. 'Very well,' I replied, 'You've got fat ankles and no dress sense.' — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) July 4, 2012
If they don't want people to have sex at Ikea, they shouldn't try to make you feel so at home.
The bed shook, creaked and rattled as she gripped the headboard and screamed out my name. It was at this point we were asked to leave Ikea. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) April 24, 2014
It obviously wasn't his first time shopping there.
'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.' 'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.' — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) October 8, 2012
That's one way to ignite a spark in your relationship. It's also one way to electrocute yourself and die.
Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. I probably should have told her about the new electric fence. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) October 21, 2012
I guess that's pretty kinky.
'So, what can I give you for Christmas?' she asked, moving her hand up my leg. 'Surprise me,' I replied. 'OK,' she said, 'I'm really a man.' — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) December 12, 2012
True beauty can be breathtaking.
At the touch of her lips it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) March 31, 2013
The worst part? There were skid marks.
'I'm a bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!' 'Alright,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) March 14, 2014
Grocery stores can be very erotic. I think it has something to do with the lighting.
As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . 'Clean up on aisle 3.' — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) January 15, 2014
Hitting the bottom of the bottle instead of the side is the true meaning of masochism.
She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.' — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) November 24, 2013
You can't parody terrible writing without some terrible writing of your own.
They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) January 18, 2014
I'm all for having an open mind, but there are certain lines you just don't cross.
As we rolled and heaved, naked and desperate on the lawn, we knew what we were doing was wrong. We'd both seen the Keep Off the Grass sign. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) February 11, 2013
Sometimes fantasies do come true.
'Prepare for pleasure beyond your wildest dreams!' she said, opening her bedroom door. I gulped 'You mean you've got a dart board in there?' — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) February 22, 2014
Things will only get hotter once they decide to plug in the electric blanket.
Her body trembled and shook.'I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried. 'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) October 4, 2013
This was the opening line of "Fifty Shots Of Mount Gay."
'I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.' So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) April 29, 2013
After everything else, this seems pretty tame.
Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) March 23, 2014