I've never been a girly girl. I've never known how to do things with my hair or make my eyes pop.
I'm more of a tomboy. In fact, in a world of Regina George, I've always been a Cady Heron, the homeschooled jungle freak from "Mean Girls" who thought Ashton Kutcher was a band.
Every now and then, though, a glamorous chick takes pity on my cluelessness and takes me under her wing for a total transformation.
This is how it goes:
1. You respond to your texts constantly and navigate drama.
As opposed to dudes who may not check their phones for hours at a time, girl friends expect your undivided attention.
I mean, how could I not be responsive when my girl's ex just blew her off for the second time today? Who cares if she was the one spreading rumors about him?
I have to be a good friend and continue spreading gossip about the asshole without needing to question the situation. Your girl friend is always right.
2. You go shopping.
Oh God, there is so much shopping. You spend not one or two, but four freaking hours at clothing stores picking out the perfect skirt for those stilettos you have to wear to some VIP party that weekend.
As if that's not bad enough, you have to pick out just the right pair of shiny earrings and Calvin Klein lip gloss. You definitely start missing the days when a pair of jean shorts and a simple top was enough to drink beers with the boys.
In fact, the boys now have a hard time accepting you as one of them.
3. You have to be a mannequin.
So it's Saturday night, and the girls are taking you out. You have to suck it up and patiently stand still while they powder your face and twist the eyeliner so perfectly that Adele would be jealous.
Then you have to put on a tight black dress that's anything but casual. The hardcore girl friends make you wear a corset, too. I'm looking at you, Khloé K.
4. You hang out in furniture stores.
Seriously, before hanging out with girls, I assumed that wherever I went, furniture was just organically there.
Maybe the architect put that royal-looking sofa in the living room, or perhaps the interior design fairy paid a visit and left a tea set and coffee table books with pictures of shoes. Apparently not.
Instead of playing video games with the boys on the floor, you'll now be picking out fine china and elephant-shaped jewelry boxes and using the word "fabulous" a whole lot.
5. You will learn there's more to a text from a guy than you thought.
Because you are now being taught how to read a guy's "code".
Apparently, when a guy says you look pretty, there is more to it. Instead of saying "thanks" like a polite human being, you should bat your eyelashes and play it super cool.
Then, you wait for him to text you, and if he doesn't, well, there's always the girl friend circle of skilled detectives who can decipher why he didn't call.
It's either that he's too into you and is shy, or that you wore an unflattering dress that day and he picked someone else.
Either way, for the next week, finding out the secret meaning of his compliment will be the bane of your existence.
6. You get lots of free things.
That's one perk you normally wouldn't get with the boys. The stilettos, makeup, hair extensions and remaining pieces of the "glamorous girl" puzzle all culminate with you being invited to posh parties at clubs you didn't even know existed, getting drinks on the house and riding in expensive cars.
It would feel better if you didn't have to shop anymore, though.