5 'Luxuries' Besides Tampons You Get To Experience While On Your Period
Last week, President Obama sat down for an interview with YouTube personality Ingrid Nilsen, and was surprised to learn 40 states labeled tampons as “luxury items,” coincidentally making them subject to a very special luxury tax.
After watching, I Googled some synonyms for "luxury" to make sure I understood things correctly.
The synonyms I found included comfort, enjoyment, extravagance, bliss, delight, leisure, satisfaction, splendor and, my personal favorite, treat.
Of all the options, I think "treat" really hits the uterine wall on the cervix (or nail on the head, whatever makes you feel sexier).
It's true! Having your period is a real treat.
Need proof? Here are some of the other more luxurious aspects.
1. Getting to carry around a little purse to hide all your unmentionables.
It's important to remember having your period is a sexy secret for you and you alone.
Be sure to hide all your tampons and pads because it is absolutely imperative to the mystery of menstruating no one knows when you actually are or are not on your period.
You also don’t want to embarrass all women everywhere by accidentally dropping your tampon on the floor, or holding it in your hand while walking to the bathroom.
Then, everyone will be reminded of what disgusting, filthy animals all women are.
This secrecy is part of what makes being a woman so exotic and sensual.
2. The whole cramps, headache, nausea and fatigue thing.
I mean, can you say "SICK DAY?"
Remember, women only make 78 cents to the dollar.
That means it doesn’t really matter if you go into work or not because no matter what, you’re not earning what you deserve.
Treat yourself to a real ladies day.
Paint your nails, watch "Say Yes to the Dress," bitch about boyzzz and then (if and only if you have time at the end of such a busy, stressful day), give attention to the actual things that matter in life.
You know, like organizing your finances, nurturing your family or taking care of your own health and hygiene.
But first, DO THE MUNDANE BULL SH*T SOCIETY SUMS WOMEN UP TO, OK?!
3. Dealing with men who assume you're incapable of making decisions based on your irrational mood swings.
Don’t forget, ladies: Once a month, you get to go “crazy" without being held accountable. FUN!!!
Men don’t know we are totally sane during all the weeks of a month, so be sure to capitalize on your own personal Shark Week, and say all the things actually on your mind with little to no consequences (except being treated like an idiot, of course).
Remember, it is much harder for men to have to be on their toes at all times.
We get to just walk around trying to hide our panty lines with no other responsibilities. PMS is a gift. Take it.
4. Strapping cotton into your underwear like a wittle baby.
I, personally, never feel more glamorous than the moments I get to rip off the plastic side of a good ol' maxi pad, and literally glue it to undergarments that cost me more than five t-shirts from Old Navy.
Something about that cool, sticky layer of glue alternating between sticking to the side of my pants and sticking to the hairs of my pubes makes me feel like a regular Beyoncé.
The alternative is just as sophisticated: shoving cotton up my hoo-ha!
5. Bleeding from your vagina, despite your best efforts not to.
How can you forget when you are on your period, you are actually, without effort, bleeding from your vagina. I mean, HeeeLLLlLLoooooo, LAddiiiessssss!
Can you think of anything that makes you feel more swaddled in the warmth of privilege?
It's like once a month, you are reminded you are just a mammal, wandering this earth with the sole purpose of reproducing whether your core values, beliefs and lifestyle align with that notion or not.
At the end of the day, having your period is a privilege, and it comes with the best perks -- like acne and bloating, misogyny and discrimination and, of course, being taxed on tampons.
Congratulations, you lucky bitches.