The signs are all there. She's been sleeping all day long in the strangest positions. She ignores you when you ask her where she's been. She eats disgusting food combinations with a ravenous appetite.
It's time to face the facts: Your dog is smoking the pots.
It happens every year right around April 20, known to druggies as "420," aka their only holiday of the year (because they are godless). Your dog may be tempted to try new things, maybe get a little "stoned" as they say on the streets, but it's your job to remind him or her marijuana is the gateway to buddying up with the devil himself.
Contrary to popular belief, not all dogs do go to heaven, and that's mainly because they get mixed up in 420. Luckily, you have the chance to save their souls simply by starting a conversation.
Here's how to handle the situation and talk to your dog about the consequences of reefer madness.
Express your concern.
Your dog needs to know you're coming from a place of love and understanding. Tell her you're concerned she's given up on her dreams of catching a squirrel and figuring out who's a good girl.
You're not angry, you're just disappointed.
Watch your tone.
You want to be very clear you are not happy with your dog's drug use. Keep your tone low and try to sound exactly like Tom Hardy playing Bane in "Batman." That should get the message across.
And be very careful not to use words like "cookie," "walk" or "treat." You don't want to distract from the main message: Drugs WILL kill you 100 percent of the time.
Draw from your own life experiences.
Tell your dog about that time you got so wasted you shat your pants at Lollapalooza. Was it cool that you were so blazed out of your mind, you could feel your hair growing out of your head? Maybe. But your dog doesn't need to know that.
All he needs to know is you are ashamed of your drug-fueled past and he will definitely go to hell if he even thinks about rolling a sweet, fat, delicious jay. Dogs respond best to rationality, so give it to them.
But don't make it all about you.
Your dog is the sinner, after all. When she gives you that look, like you're a giant hypocrite for opening up about your life experiences, gently remind her she's the heathen, and you've atoned for your sins.
Take a closer look at your dog's friends.
If your dog's behavior has changed for no apparent reason, chances are, her friends are toxic. Set up more playdates with nice, Christian dogs.
Read stories about drug addicts with your dog.
Pick one of the dozens of stories about meth heads in your local newspaper and share it with your dog. Does she want to end up living in a van down by the river? I don't think so.
Have her read the story to you, so you know she's really getting it.
Remember, there's no wrong way to talk to your dog about drugs. Only YOU can be the change you want to see in your dog.
Stay safe this 420, friends. And whatever you do, don't forget to pray.