Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, a magical day in March when drunk Americans tell other drunk Americans about the proper way to celebrate the culture and heritage of a country they've probably never been to.
There might not be a "right" way to celebrate the holiday, and even though I don't take things as seriously as most people, it's hard to ignore the mostly misguided appropriation of Irish culture and the stereotypes associated with the country.
I don't consider myself an expert by any means, but I like to think I know a fair amount about what it's like to be Irish: I went to school in Boston, visited Ireland for a week in middle school and I'm pretty sure at least two of my grandparents were the grandchildren of Irish immigrants.
That's why I think I'm more than qualified to write the definitive guide on how to make sure your St. Patrick's Day is as totally authentic as possible. Here are a few tips to make sure you celebrate Ireland like a real Irishman!
Drink the greenest beer you can find.
If you walk into any pub in Ireland and order "a pint," the bartender won't even ask you what kind of beer you want -- he or she will just slowly saunter over to the tap and pour you a nice, tall glass of the greenest beer the bar has.
If you wake up on March 18 and your entire mouth isn't stained from the massive amount of food dye you ingested the day before, you didn't celebrate the holiday correctly.
Only wear traditional Irish clothing.
St. Patrick's Day is the one day of the year when you can wear traditional Irish garb without anybody looking at you funny.
There are a few directions you can go, but I personally suggest a kelly green graphic tee featuring the drawing of a drunk person twisted into a pretzel and sitting in a pool of his or her own vomit underneath the phrase "Irish Yoga."
If you're looking to accessorize, I suggest incorporating an oversized leprechaun hat or a necklace made of tiny, plastic shamrocks.
When in doubt, remember this old Irish saying: "Go Bragh or go home!"
Order an Irish Car Bomb.
St. Patrick's Day is all about celebrating Irish history, and there's no better way to honor the memory of those killed in the random car bombings that contributed to making parts of the Emerald Isle a veritable war zone for decades on end by ordering a drink named after them.
If you want to up the authenticity, seek out an Irish pub in the area staffed by actual Irish people. They'll appreciate the sentiment more than any American bartender ever will!
Remember: It's "St. Patty's Day," not "St. Paddy's Day."
This is one of the most decisive issues I've come across over the past few years, and if you've seen any articles, infographics or memes advocating for the latter spelling, you've experienced firsthand the dangers of trusting everything you see on the Internet.
Ignore anyone who tries to argue about "traditional Irish spellings" -- last time I checked, Irish people speak English, and unless I have a fundamental misunderstanding of the English language, there's no "D" in "Patrick."
Be sure to give the message to as many people as possible and stop the spread of dangerous misinformation.
Get blackout drunk and make a series of poor decisions that either results in your arrest or the end of a relationship.
While the other entries on this list might have been tongue in cheek, if you're actually looking for a culturally and historically accurate summary of the Irish experience, this is probably your best bet.