What's Your Mom Up To These Days? And More Questions I Have For My Catcaller

Matt Castaños

How did you know I needed a compliment today?

I woke up late for class with crusty eyes and matted hair, and would have missed chemistry completely if I hadn't skipped my usual coffee and yogurt. That's OK though – an empty stomach was welcome after an agonizing night hot-boxing my apartment with gas after an ill-advised curry dinner.

By 3 pm, I was famished, in pain and in need of an IV. I was in a good mood, if you will.

Light-headed, under-caffeinated and towing a rumbling lower intestine, I had just walked past you on 7th avenue when you called out in my direction.

Do you know what crop-dusting is? It's when you walk past someone and fart, but don't say anything. I had just crop-dusted you. The only reason I rushed by you so quickly with my head down was because I thought you smelled it, but no! You were actually complimenting my lower half!

I think your exact words were “Look at that fat ass … come sit on my face!” which is awfully direct, but WAY less startling than “Did you just f*cking fart at me?”

When I woke up late this morning, irritated and impatient, I was really hoping to find my way into a sexually charged interaction with a strange older man. Since you were kind enough to diffuse a potentially embarrassing situation at the start of my already stressful morning, it seemed only appropriate to stop and chat with you.

So here we are. You clearly sought after my attention, and now you have it. What do we do now?

Think … think ...

Oh, I know – I should sit on your face! You did ask for it after all.

All right, since I'm going to sit on your face, where should we do it? Not on the street -- we just met. Do you mind that I haven't showered today?

Should we go to your house?

Who will pay for the cab?

I'm assuming you don't have a job because it's 3 pm and you're standing outside of a CVS yelling at women, so I guess I'll pay.

Wait, do you have any condoms?

We all know that face-sitting is just a precursor for penetration. Maybe you should run inside CVS and grab some Trojans. This is going to be a long afternoon (ha!). Ah, you know what, forget it. I love babies anyway.

It usually takes about five minutes for a Lyft to arrive, so we should definitely utilize this time to get to know each other.

How long have you been standing here?

I mean, hell, it's really hot outside. Aren't your legs tired? I feel exhausted after standing for just 10 minutes, but no – you chose to spend your entire afternoon outside of CVS giving women compliments. In fact, I have a sneaking feeling this is your daily routine. And they say chivalry is dead ... ha ha!

Do you have any diseases?

Don't give me that look. You must slay pussy. With all of the free praise you hand out on a silver platter? Come on. The only sexually active guys I know are the ones having sex with random women they yell at on the street.

Guys like you have the most … what's the word … SWAG. You have a real gift for knowing what women want to hear without asking them. Speaking of women …

What's your mom up to these days?

Does she know that you spend your afternoons sweating through a beige tank top outside of a drugstore in Midtown over a lukewarm Mountain Dew? You should really give her a call and tell her. She would burst with pride.

Oh, and your sisters, too! Do you have sisters? You set a shining example for what they should look for in a man. Not just in a romantic partner, but in a peer as well.

God, I love getting to know the real you. This is fun.

What do you do when you get home at the end of the day?

After you finish masturbating to animal porn for three hours, I can just picture you brewing a steaming mug of Oolong tea while casually scrolling through Psychology Today on your iPad Mini. You seem like a real thinker with an evolved perspective on life and human dynamics.

You're so in-tune that it feels like you're in my head sometimes.

Are you a mind reader?

Clearly you crawled inside my subconscious and figured out that imposing your masculinity on me, contributing to my general sense of unease every time I leave the house, serving as a reminder for why I walk home with my keys splayed between my fingers and why I feel hesitant to wear anything other than a turtleneck and cargo pants on a sweltering day really turns me on.

How did you know?

I think I'm falling for you.

Because you, you evolved and emotionally intelligent man you, have really shown me what I want -- no, what I need -- in a partner, and I appreciate you laying down the blueprints for realistic societal expectations in 2016. Some may see your advances as predatory micro-aggressions, but I see them as small educational blessings.

You know what? I'm glad that you suggested I sit on your face today. While for you that exclamation was just a short burst of testosterone-filled energy and lack of self-control, it was a moment of clarity for me. You've really given me something to think about.

And because you saw something in me – something raw and true -- I'm never letting you go. You respect me, and I want to make you happy.

And now you're my boyfriend.

We're going to be so happy together.