The 9-Step Guide To Playing The Hipster F*ckboy Before He Ghosts You
A f*ckboy is essentially the modern-day player. Think of a player as a flip phone, and the f*ckboy as an iPhone 6S. New and improved, the f*ckboy features an advanced operating system, sleeker design and more dynamic capabilities. These guys are faster. They are more adaptable, more user-friendly and like with any good upgrade, include an impressive and vast range of new functionality.
With your average flip phone, you knew all you had in your hand was the ability to make a call, and maybe send a text if you're into T9 word and what not. The iPhone 6S is different, and so is the f*ckboy. Positioned in the market as much more than a cell phone, the f*ckboy is positioned as much more than a player.
Like with an iPhone 6S, once it starts glitching on us, or we can no longer connect to the WiFi and our access to endless apps is lost for a moment, we quickly become disappointed with what is left. It is no longer good enough because it promised more, gave us more and pretended to be way more than just a thing that makes calls. Once they start glitching on us — when we're no longer able to connect with them — we end up disappointed.
F*ckboys date you, text you, Snap you, sleep with you and slither their way into your heart and mind in the form of a boyfriend, but they aren't your boyfriend. Water in your iPhone 6S almost always guarantees a slow and painful death. Emotions in a f*ckboy relationship are equally as devastating.
Once it starts to seep in, the façade of the fantasy boyfriend they created slowly starts to deteriorate. They start to glitch, which in turn makes us frustrated. But then, they work again. And then, they freeze again. The vicious cycle continues until all of a sudden, he's saying he isn't ready for a relationship. We're left clinging to life, soaking up our emotions in a bowl of rice, frantic and desperate to get this stupid thing working again.
It's horrible, it's emotionally draining and honestly, it's demeaning. Time and time again, we find ourselves in the same position.
There is one particular type of f*ckboy I find the most interesting; this is the hipster f*ckboy. These are the ones you have to watch out for because they're equipped with the best methods of disguise. They know the most direct route to your heart.
Instead of creating a comprehensive guide for how to spot this particular breed, or how to avoid them altogether, I have decided to take a different approach. They say the best defense is a good offense, so with that, I say let's go out and get them.
So, how do we get the hipster f*ckboy in the first place? These guys are nuanced, layered and specific, so the list for how to attain them follows suit. To best understand the strategies involved, experience in this particular breed of f*ckboy is helpful:
1. Listen to trap music.
This might seem odd. You wouldn't typically associate "hipster" with trap music. However, when you combine hipster with f*ckboy, you get trap music. Start by making a playlist with Desiigner, Madeintyo, M-City J.R, TY Dolla $ign, etc. If you can't get down with that, just start with Drake, Future and A$AP Ferg, and you should be good.
2. Be obsessed with Steph Curry.
But, don't be annoying and obvious about it. He doesn't have to be the background of your phone, and you don't need to start talking about his shooting stats in specifics. Just know that he plays for Golden State Warriors, he makes epic long-court shots and when guys watch him, they feel like they're watching a video game.
These guys have a weird thing with sports. I have a theory they feel a wrongful sense of shame associated with their man-buns and creativity, so they feel a need to overcompensate with a clichéd form of sports enthusiasm.
They get aggressive here. "You don't know who Steph Curry is?!" they project.
3. Like his tweets, but not his Instagrams.
If he is a true hipster f*ckboy, he needs his creative content caressed. This is what he cares about. Since we can't be too thirsty, it's one or the other. So, just like the tweets, but never a single Instagram.
4. Be fully versed in Bernie Sanders and the 2019 L train construction plans.
Self-explanatory, no? This is a hipster f*ckboy we're talking about. You need to know these things.
5. Get him a canvas tote from Zabar's.
OK, this one is tricky. A hipster f*ckboy is obsessed with his man purse. He wants it to be unassuming and vintage-y, but he doesn't want to try too hard. The hipster f*ckboy is low-key always on the hunt for the perfect murse. He is going to love the Zabar's tote, and this will trick him into believing you get him on core level. But, you have to be sneaky about it.
Obviously, you have to go out of your way to get it, and that's fine. But, the delivery has to be casual. If he's at your apartment one afternoon, start unpacking groceries. This time will come because a f*ckboy pretends to be your boyfriend. So, they do things with you only boyfriends would do, such as sit on your couch while you unpack groceries. Here, you sneakily bring it over and very casually say, “Do you want this? I'm going to toss it.”
He will take the bait. Why Zabar's, you ask? It's weird, I know. But, your f*ckboy will get it, and it will be exactly what he is looking for. Don't get caught up in the "why" here. We don't always have the luxury of knowing why, and this is an example of that. So is life.
6. Snapchat him the word “amazing."
These guys play games subtly. They will Snapchat you something specific, but won't text you. It's a game. It's a bird call. He wants you to text him first, hence why he's sending you this personal Snapchat. Don't give in. Don't text him the response he's looking for.
Instead, Snapchatting him, "Amazing” is basically saying, “Go f*ck yourself.” But at the same time, it isn't. It's dismissive, but interesting. He will hate and love you for it simultaneously.
7. Listen to his podcast.
He'll likely have a favorite podcast, in which case, you should listen to it. This is also the only reason you're ever allowed to double text this f*ckboy. Commenting on his podcast is the only acceptable reason to send him more than one text in a row.
He thinks his ideas are genius, so you can remind him of this while simultaneously distracting him from the games he's playing with you. (Although, you are now playing him.) Ultimately, it disarms him while giving him the validation he needs and is looking for.
8. Watch "New Girl."
Hipster f*ckboys are anti-mainstream. So, this is an acceptable and relatable form of mainstream appreciation. He doesn't want you to be all "Vice" all the time. Show you're human. Sadly, this will do it for him. Guys, in general, love this show. And they love talking about it with you.
9. Praise his Uniqlo.
He's fashionable, but he's hipster. He's desperate to wear Theory and Vince, but it goes against all of his Bernie Sanders-ness to spend money like that. Also, he's probably in his mid-20s working at an ad agency (and aspiring to do documentary film one day), so he isn't making a lot of money, anyway. Whatever it is, just reassure him his white tee and tapered denim is on point, and agree that you also love Uniqlo.
This is a good start. You will also obviously need to act chill, slightly unavailable, laugh at all his jokes and turn the music down and TV off during sex, but these should be the things that grab him for real.
Once you have him, you will know. When you do, ghost him.
Just do it. Stop feeling bad. Ghost the hipster f*ckboy because he deserves it. No one should be allowed to be both of these things. I mean, with Beyoncé getting screwed over and f*ckboys breeding rapidly, we need to do what we can to eradicate as many types as possible.