7 Ways To Shadily Creep On Your Secret Work Bae Throughout The Day

by Lauren Ireland
Fox Searchlight Pictures

Sometimes, being a working girl can be tough. On those days that feel endless, it's nice to know your secret bae is around the corner of your office, totally unaware of the passion throbbing in your 9-to-5 heart.

Below, I've enclosed seven effective ways to peep your secret work bae without getting caught by your coworkers:

1. Staple

Everybody needs staples. And you know for sure that organized freak of a coworker, Emily, has a never-ending staples fountain in her cubbyhole.

Is she getting paid by Staples to promote their products? I don’t know. Seems pretty fishy, though, as she only wears red and she’s definitely NOT a winter. I digress.

Get staplin’, child! Your secret bae is 5 feet away!

2. Pee

Staying hydrated is not only good for the body, mind and spirit, but also for peeping your secret bae.

Deer Park* makes bottles of water the size of sea calves, so get chuggin’!

Secret bae sits at an acute angle toward the bathroom, and maybe if you’re blessed, there’s a line you have to wait in. You exchange joke gestures to him like, “Oh man, just my luck!” or, “What common casualties we await upon the day!”

3. Water the Dumb Office Fern

It’s been dead for approximately two-and-a-half years on the window ledge, and Bethany will throw it out when hell freezes over, so why not?

You need an excuse and that baby is ALIVE, DAMMIT! And baby needs wa-wa! And a ma-ma!

Either way, you’re being nurturing, and that’s exactly what secret bae needs to see.

4. Milk

You forgot milk in your coffee! Larry sits adjacent to the back-room fridge, and that sugary sop of a man definitely has milk in there that needs your patronage.

Also, he sits NEXT to secret bae.

5. Need Advil

Oh man, last night was doozie! Five hours of straight drinking with your Italian model guy friend, and boy are you sore -- err, hungover.

WHO CARES? You and Fabio (Georgio, Silvio -- doesn’t matter, just say it fast and don’t blink) had a night of fun, and you’re in such hot demand that you need an Advil to make the fun times go away.

They are too. Many. Fun. Times.

No one near secret bae ever has Advil, so be prepared to monologue for about five minutes before he takes his headphones out and asks what you guys are talking about.

6. Invent Problems

Jared returned paperwork to you a day late? Use it!

Your boss (who sits at the same table as secret bae) needs to hear this minor, fleetingly insignificant deed as it’s SO REPRESENTATIVE of what is to come. You may not be able to trust Jared in the future with clients if he continues to act like this, and boy, can secret bae see you getting heated right now.

Your hair is tousling in passion, your well-toned arms are gesticulating in this matter of life or death and your butt is popped as you power stance your point.

Jared, who? You just won a war, and his casualty will be mourned by those he loved.

7. Trip

Women tripping is adorable! Eighty-five years of cinematic evidence backs this claim up, so that’s enough for me to trust this fact.

So take a feather out of every rom-com movie, bulk up on paperwork and EAT IT inches from his desk. Who cares if you get a bruise? What’s that in the face of bae? Nothing.

That’s right; eat it hard because there’s only one secret bae, and you are very lonely.

I hope these seven universal, non-situational specifics will help you in the exact way they helped me.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go carve SB and I's initials in the handicap bathroom stall. Best of luck! That's also an eighth idea!