I love me a good “motivational” quote. Except that was a lie.
I hate motivational quotes. I hate them when they're on pillows at my grandma's house. I hate them when they're the wall decor of every basic girl's house. And I hate them when they're the Facebook status of every nimrod I've come across throughout my life.
They NEVER MOTIVATE OR INSPIRE ME. They just stress me out. More often than not, they're either giving me very obvious, useless pieces of advice (“Live. Laugh. Love.” Like, WOW, thanks for that…) or they're making me extremely anxious.
Don't know what I'm talking about? Here are 21 of my personal favorites. Please take a gander and try to tell me they're not stressing you the f*ck out.
“The future is promised to no one.” — Wayne Dyer
Thanks for the reminder that we're all going to DIE. BRB — breathing into a paper bag.
"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” — Confucius
Do not stop? Like ever? What if I get tired?! WHAT IF I WANT A NAP, CONFUCIUS?
“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.” — Og Mandino
Should I also sob uncontrollably at the sight of them? Because that's what this quote makes me want to do. Like, are you kidding me?! In what way, shape, or form was I supposed to feel better by knowing that every single person I love may die by the end of my already sh*tty day?
“You have as many hours in the day as Beyoncé.” — Anonymous
Right. Because I didn't already feel like sh*t for spending my day eating Cheetos and watching every episode of "The Office."
“No matter how many goals you have achieved, you must set your sights on a higher one.” — Jessica Savitch
That just sounds like a whole lot of work. Like let's say I get happily married, raise five fantastic children, win a Pulitzer, an Oscar, a Grammy, an Emmy, a Tony, a Nobel Prize and become president. THEN WHAT?
“Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.” — Swami Sivananda
I just went to the bathroom. It was nice. But I can assure you I did not put my heart, mind and soul into it. Am I supposed to feel bad about that?
“It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.” — Tony Robbins
As if I was not already so stressed about making this decision. Now my entire DESTINY relies on it?
“God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him.” — Jim Elliot
…and for the rest of us?
“YOLO” — Drake
Yes, that's right. I'm including "YOLO" in my list of motivational quotes. And before you try to fight me on it, think back on your life and tell me there has never been a night where you really absolutely should not have gone out but your friends convinced you to do so with a simple "C'mon ... YOLO."
Oh God. Don't even get me started on this one. IF I ONLY LIVE ONCE, WHY WOULD I USE THIS AS MY EXCUSE TO DO DUMB SH*T THAT WILL PROBABLY MAKE MY ONE LIFE SHORTER.
“To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.” — Lao Tzu
Well, WHAT IF I CAN'T STILL MY MIND? Seriously. My mind will not shut the f*ck up. Will the universe never surrender to me?!
Also, the ENTIRE UNIVERSE surrendering to me? Sounds like a lot of power. Almost too much power.
“By the way, intelligence to me isn't just being book-smart or having a college degree; it's trusting your gut instincts, being intuitive, thinking outside the box, and sometimes just realizing that things need to change and being smart enough to change it.” — Tabatha Coffey
Okay, so great. Glad my college degree wasn't enough. I also have to do all of this sh*t that I can't learn to do ANYWHERE.
“Make today count. You'll never get it back.” — Anonymous
You're right. I will NEVER get it back. Like never ever. It's gone. Forever.
“Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.” — A. P. J. Abdul Kalam
But what if I don't WANT to sacrifice my today? No, today I just want to have fun.
“It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.” —Theodore Roosevelt
Great, so like lose-lose.
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” — Neale Donald Walson
So did my happy childhood just, like, not count?
“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” — Dr. Seuss
OK, this seems a little excessive. What if the person I love was just a little annoying that day? What if he was more than a LITTLE annoying? What if we got in a colossal fight?! Are we not in love anymore?
“Life is too short to do the things you don't love doing.” — Bruce Dickinson
But what about when I need to like pay my bills and, you know, support my family and stuff?
“All you need is the plan, the road map, and the courage to press on to your destination.” — Earl Nightingale
Oh, phew. That's it! ALL I need!
“Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you.” — Loretta Young
OK so I want love so I should stop wanting love and then I'll find love. But didn't I stop wanting to find love so that I would find love so didn't that defeat the whole purpose anyway?
“Life is too short to worry about anything. You had better enjoy it because the next day promises nothing.” — Eric Davis
Oh yeah, because we could all die at any given moment.
“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.” — Gilbert K. Chesterton
OK, are you f*cking kidding me? No. DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU.