What do Tinder and astrology have in common? Mysticism? Intimate soul-searching? Projected ideals? Just something to f*ck around with? Something you either swear by or call bullsh*t on? There's some sort of cosmic connection there.
A hailed hallmark of the glorified app-centric dating scene of Generation-Y, Tinder has found its way into most of our lives in one way or another. It's like that misunderstood family member who no one acknowledged but is finally invited to sit at the table. We're done with the online dating taboo. Woo.
Some of us Tinder old-timers have become particularly well-acquainted with its intricacies. We've been privy to the course of its evolution and the patterns and algorithms developed with each increasing swipe.
We'd like to think we've pretty much seen it all. Enough for most of us to agree on a solid list of unwritten rules that inform our swiping direction. We're not shallow; we're just efficient, right?
What's more fun than throwing in some astrology into the mix? Whether it's the fishing photo, the Marilyn Monroe quote or the Russian novel intro, there's a zodiac sign for all of the most common Tinder faux pas we come across.
C'mon, we should all be able to laugh at ourselves and some of the defining sh*ttier qualities of our zodiac signs.
So here are some Tinder don'ts based on your zodiac sign:
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The Jarring Openers
As you're the first sign of the zodiac, your Tinder "don't" might as well get right to the point. You fire away more eggplant, peach and banana emojis than your Sunday farmer's market and ask people to sit on your face without so much as a "Hi, how you doin?" uttered.
When you aren't trolling in your energetic fashion, your fiery and competitive nature gets the best of you and you can't help but to challenge your matches with an offensive and/or controversial question just begging for some obnoxious one-sided banter.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
From champagne, expensive cars, feasts fit for kings and queens, Taurus knows no bounds when it comes to indulging in the finer things in life. They are luxurious little fiends. Of the left swipe-worthy folk in the Tinder game, this sign manifests itself in the car pics, poppin-bottles-at-da-club pics, brunch-with-my-betches pics or the pseudo livin-the-high-life pics from that one time you did that one fancy thing.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
We get it. You're sociable. You're fun. You're the life of the party. Look at all the friends you have. You have so many that you think it'd be fun to send your potential matches on a wild little goose chase to try and guess which grinning, slightly out of focus and most likely inebriated face is yours. Brownie points if said group of friends happens to be attractive. But we're not trying to f*ck around with any Sherlock shenanigans. Though you may be the twin sign, most of us are only trying to date one of you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The Questionable SO
Cancer is brooding, emotional and clingy character of the zodiac bunch who just can't let go. You are all of those souls who may or may not be over their exes or crushes and feel compelled to throw that super suggestive, couple-y photo into the mix. You shouldn't have to explain that it's "just a friend" and you're not actually "just looking for a third." It's even worse if it's your sister or your brother.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
All Of The #Selfies
You egotistical divas radiate so much self-love that you just need to share with the world how much you're #FeelinYo'self. Because no one else can capture your essence and your beauty in a photo as well as you. You have your angles and your poses down and you know your lighting game is (literally) lit. So, why waste your Tinder space with sh*tty photos other peasants have taken of you? So of course, the royal lion of the Tinder jungle has to take the crown for the one too many selfies, mirror pics and yes, those half-naked gym or beach bod snapshots.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
The V For Vendetta
Not just because it starts with "V" and it's cute alliteration, but you shy and elusive Virgos who cautiously keep your feelings at bay and away from the public eye are the V for Vendetta masks of Tinder. This is the empty bio page, the consecutive photos with sunglasses only, and the shots of you on a far off mountain with your Fjällräven backpack facing the camera.
So mysterious. So quiet. So not intrigued. While the antiquated notions of a masquerade may be romantic and alluring, my superficial Tinder thumb has no patience to fantasize about what being hides behind those $3 shades.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The Generic Bio
The harmonious and well-balanced Libra is the generic bio of Tinder profiles. You like food, movies, hanging with friends, traveling and music. Well damn, aren't you a compatible catch. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you like having a good time too, right? You're, like, everyone's soulmate.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The Aggressive Checklist
The dark, alluring and determined nature of the Scorpio goes after what he or she wants with a whole lot of bite. You sinister seducers yearn to control, and since you know what you're after (or aren't after), you trifle with no other bullsh*t apart from what's on the Tinder agenda. You've managed to consolidate the range of human flaws you simply won't f*ck with.
Your faux pas is the (usually negative) listing of specific criteria. Basics need not apply. Guys under 6 feet tall, please swipe left. No vegetarians. Short blonde women who are into sports only. While I dig proper grammar as much as the next literate human, enough with the you're/your usage complaints. You're pretentious AF, so shut up and silently judge like the rest of us.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The Single Photo
You're a free, minimalist spirit who's all in for the adventures, risk-taking and independence and doesn't need much else in life. But that one photo, again probably rocking the same Fjällräven backpack as your Virgo friend, maybe on that same far off mountain, is just not gonna cut it. You're going to need to give us a little more than that.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
The Resume/Life Story
Capricorns are always the practical planners who pride themselves in their ambitions and straightforwardness. So much so, that why not just put it all up on Tinder? You want people to know all you're about, because who needs substantial conversation anyway? It's all there. Whether you're the LA>SF>MI>NYC folk listing all major cities you've inhabited, the people diving right into the year-long Southeast Asia backpacking tale, or a detailed account of your corporate ladder climb, this is not the place, Caps.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Ah, the aloof intellectuals no one can quite pin down. Of the Tinder don'ts, this zodiac sign reps the overly philosophical quotes or convo starters, obscure photos and just overall mindf*ck of a puzzle that doesn't quite have all the pieces. Creativity and intellectual stimulation is a total turn-on. Using Tinder as an outlet for some existential introspection is not.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The People Pleasers
Pisces is the people pleasing, accommodating sign who will go out of their way to give people just what they want, even if it doesn't really make sense for them. This sign represents the faux pas of the perfectly put together profiles that have just crossed that try-hard line. You've latched onto what's trending in the dating world and are determined to serve it to your suitors on a silver platter, and then some.
You're the ladies who love pizza, beer and whiskey. You can totally hang, video games, sports and all. We get it. You can be chill and hot. You're a real rare gem among gems. Or you're the dude with the puppies, babies and the overly used one-liners and movie quotes you assume will make you seem like the ultimate catch.