Waking up as a new dad is the easiest thing you can do, since you have barely slept at all.
If your new little human isn't keeping you awake as you rock him or her for hours to sleep, you are most assuredly lying in bed watching the video monitor like a hawk, worried that your baby's going to stop breathing at any moment.
So, you go check. Several needless times a night, thinking, “Well, he hasn't moved in a long time. I should just go check.” Then you accidentally wake your baby up, and you go back to the rocking.
Trust me, once your kids are older and sleep through the night, you will really miss those 3 am rocking sessions.
What other fleeting things in young fatherhood will you miss?
1. Your kid's baby farts
Yo, here is the deal: Kids these days are gassy.
One moment you will be welcoming well-wishers into your home, being all king-of-the-castle-like, and the next, your sweet little baby will be ripping farts in the arms of your nextdoor neighbor.
It will embarrass the sh*t out of you at first, but gradually, it will become a way of life. Pretty soon, when your kid doesn't blow a cheeser for a while, you get really nervous that he or she is constipated, and being backed-up does not make for a happy baby.
All that being said, you will get more laughs and joy out of watching your kid's dumb little face when he or she pushes out a toot. It's one of the secret highlights of being a new dad.
2. Your vocabulary
At some point in time, you will realize you messed up big time. For months, you and your kid's mama have been saying to each other “I gotta start watching my mouth,” but you just can't stop being you right?
That all changes on a dime when your 17-month-old starts chanting “F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck" around the house before bathtime like he or she is in a conga line at a bad bat mitzvah.
3. Your kid's mama
Every dad ever is guilty of taking his wife or girlfriend for granted when it comes to parenting. (Shoutout to all the single dads; this one's not for you.) We can't help it.
Sometimes you will be lying on the couch watching "Furious 7"... again, and you will hear her ask you to do something. It will almost register in your brain that it means right now, but you know the cars are about to jump from one Abu Dhabi high-rise to the other, and pretty soon, before you know it, you're curled up on the couch crying at Wiz singing, "See You Again."
Not a shocker that whatever it is she asked you to do is already done, and now you feel like a real jerk. Be better.
4. Your kid's immobility
If you are a new dad, you will find yourself in the midst of a sweet spot in which your kid isn't mobile. Wherever your baby needs to go, you have to take him or her there. (The next time in life this comes up is once sports practices start, and your kid needs rides everywhere.)
You pick your kid up, you set him or her down, and he or she doesn't move. If you need to find your kid, just look in the spot you just left him or her. It's glorious! But pretty soon, kids start to roll over, then crawl, and all at once, they crawl really damn fast.
People will say dumb things to you like “just wait until your baby is walking,” and you will think, “Walking? This kid crawls faster than I can run.” But, trust me, just wait until your kid is walking.
Buckle up, Dad-O, that kid will be everywhere and anywhere. Turn your back for a second, and the little sh*t will be halfway up the staircase before you know it.
It's in moments like these you need to remember point #2 above.
5. Your kid's weight
There is no way to describe the feeling of that first moment when your baby is lying there on your chest, breathing his or her raspy little breaths. You feel the weight of your baby's life settling onto your body, and it's beautiful.
Then he or she slowly grows day by day, and before you know it, you have a 27-pound toddler practicing handsprings off your belly. At every turn, take notice at your baby's weight and how it feels in your arms.
One day, your kid will be all grown up, and you will want to remember those small increments of weight that once gave you so much comfort.