These 'Love Tips From A Psycho Ex' Will Ruin Your Relationship Forever

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You can wander into basically any drugstore in America and have the chance to browse through a rack of women's magazines offering HUNDREDS of HOT TIPS for SEXY SEX in the bedroom.

In my (admittedly brief) experience, far too many of these pieces of advice seem to involve teeth and various numbers of fingers doing things they really have no business doing if the end goal is spicing up your love life.

I'm not dismissing the careers of people who get paid good money to give their sheltered readers the guidance and expertise they so desperately crave, but a lot of the times the articles sound like they're written by bitter exes seeking passive aggressive revenge on the grandest scale.

The same can be said for which is currently a hot topic of discussion on the parts of Twitter where people spend their days making jokes based on hashtags.

If I had the technology, I'd make a quiz where you had to differentiate between the following tweets and ill-advised sex tips that actually ran in supposedly reputable publications.

For now, you'll just have to read these and remember to do the exact opposite.

Everything is subjective (except for court orders).

Worse comes to worst, you can just take advantage of technicalities.

I recommend "Who Cant It Be Now?," but if you're not a Men At Work fan, "Somebody's Watching Me" is a good alternative.

I've heard guinea pigs are delicious when grilled.

#LoveTipsFromAPsychoEx Make a lovely stew out of a cherished family pet — Sissyknits (@sissyknits) February 23, 2016

Be the change you want to see in the world.

Why would you pay a therapist when you have your friends and family to help solve your relationship problems?

I'm fine with the occasional arson, but murder is just too far.

The nice calves are just a bonus.

The worst-case scenario is also the first-case scenario.

Above all: Be persistent.