This may come as a bit of a shock to some people, but Valentine's Day is less than a week away.
If you're in a position to give a gift this holiday (if you're in a relationship and still want to be in one on Feb. 16, you are), you've either already bought one or are about to stop reading this article and find one before it's too late.
It will be here when you're done. I promise.
Now that you've returned from your shopping excursion (or, if you're one of the undoubtedly few proactive readers who already bought a gift), I have some bad news: You probably should have read this entire thing before making a purchase.
If your gift involves nothing but chocolate, flowers and a teddy bear, there's a pretty good chance you'll be good to go on Valentine's Day, but if your present happens to be anything pictured below, you're probably going to want to return it before time runs out.
There's a pretty good chance this flight is going to get canceled as soon as you try to board.
No, this doesn't count as "fur."
The flower isn't the problem here. I'm just hoping he bought another gift ahead of time.
What's more romantic than meat in the shape of a heart?
Answer: processed meat and a tall boy.
I can't even imagine how many accidents were caused by people pulling over and frantically dialing that number before they were booked.
Everybody knows McDonald's is the superior Valentine's Day option if you don't want your breath to smell like onions later on.
Don't worry -- if you can't snag a reservation, you can always get a bouquet.
The only time crabs should come into play on Valentine's Day is when you spend $19.99 at Red Lobster (or, hopefully, a nicer restaurant).
Warning: A facial is only a romantic gift if it involves a gift card to a spa.
There's nothing more romantic than having rent due.
Nothing says "I love you" like a deadly ultimatum.
I guess it's better than telling someone you took out a life insurance policy in his or her name. That has to count for something.
The candy is a great idea. The other thing is not.
The perfect Valentine's Day meal: handcuffs for an appetizer, condoms for the entree, Plan B for dessert and a whole bunch of lube to make it go down easy.
This is a great gift to get your girlfriend if she specifically asked for a visual pun in lieu of an actual present.