I'm not going to begin this tirade by leaving out the fact I have a queen bee tattoo because Beyoncé is my higher power, but at least my inspirational body art can be lied about when push comes to shove.
I could say it's a reminder of my dead dog who was stung by a bee. I could say it was my grandmother's favorite insect.
I could say it's a notification to authorities that I'm allergic in case I'm ever stung and I pass out on the street.
The point is, at least my tattoo isn't a cursive reminder that "I am enough."
I don't have a problem with tattoos; I have three of them.
They're all awful, and I don't care because one day I'll die and it'll become apparent that my body is just a car I lived in.
Obviously, it's going pick up a bumper sticker or two that I regret slapping on there, but at the end of the day, it's just a car.
What I have a problem with is inspirational quotes that could've just stayed on Instagram, where they'll annoy me slightly less than when they're shoved in my face and explained to me by a drunk and uninspiring example of a human.
Here are a few of the worst types of tattoos you could possibly get, the new tribal arm bands you'll be sorry you decided to land on.
Don't shoot the messenger.
The "living life to the fullest" tattoo
If you're really living life to its fullest, you don't need to take the lamest line from your Tinder bio and permanently etch it into your arm.
Look, I get the sentiment, and it's charming AF, but let's be honest: It's hack.
We've heard it before, and we don't need to hear it again.
Am I living my life to the fullest? Who cares? I'm BUSY.
The "I'm not perfect" tattoo
The "I'm not perfect" tattoo, in all its variations, is just a statement of the obvious.
Again, I understand the sentiment, and the effort to accept yourself and all your flaws is admirable. But maybe just keep it to yourself because you're coming off very preachy.
Take this guy, for instance:
I hope he feels this way about this tattoo because there actually is such a thing as failure, and this tattoo is one example.
We all make mistakes, and we all fail.
I once dated a man who made me leave his apartment every morning so he could "meditate" when actually, he was just taking a shit.
That was a lesson, and I didn't need a tattoo to remember it.
The "I struggle with being alone" tattoo
This isn't quite as bad as tattooing your ex's name on your ribcage, but needing a reminder that you are enough reveals a deep-seated belief that you actually are not.
It's great that you're trying to change that about yourself, but you could also just write it on your mirror or something.
That being said, I agree, girl. You ARE your own anchor.
Now, get out there and be somebody. I believe in you.
The "I do yoga" tattoo
OK, so you did a 40-day yoga challenge and you met a hot yoga guy with a man bun you're willing to overlook.
You hang out a few times, and eventually, you end up hooking up.
You can't wait to see him take his shirt off, but then this happens:
ANNNNND THE DEAL IS OFF.
You're heading back to Crossfit next week. Or, you could stick around to see how this plays out and eventually become this person:
But that's way worse.
The "I just got sober" tattoo
Look, it's amazing that you turned your entire life around and dropped a habit that was nearly killing you, but there's a reason the motto is "One Day At A Time" and not "Pics Or It Didn't Happen," OK?
I mean, you don't have to go at everything you do with the intensity that you went at the bottle, Richard.
With all that said, I'd like to reiterate that I too have made some grave mistakes in the life, love and tattoo department, and I'm just trying to save you all from the same fate.
Next time you feel the need to inscribe something you've seen on Instagram on your body forever, just repost it and see if the urge passes.
You'll get the message out there either way, and you can always delete it later.