How To Have A Very Bad, No Good, Miserable Time Hiking In LA
With summer already in full swing out here in sunny Los Angeles, everyone's looking to get their hike on. Depending on how you go about it, you could either enjoy a great workout outdoors or end up shooting your toe off just to get airlifted home.
Through a little personal experience and lots of observation, I've picked up these top five tips that'll guarantee a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad time.
So, if you want to have no fun at all on the dozens of trails LA has to offer, follow these rules and you'll be well on your way to suffering a full-blown temper tantrum, or even heat stroke!
Try to park as close to the entrance as possible.
Walking two whole blocks just to go walk some more? Ridiculous! You want to park ten feet max from the front gate. It will take you at least an hour to find a spot that close, so don't plan accordingly.
You'll be ripping your hair out before you enter the front gates -- the first sign of a truly miserable hike.
Wear stupid shoes.
There's nothing like being so poorly prepared for a hike that your feet don't even know what they're doing there. Flat tennis shoes and flip-flops are good, but if you're looking to have a painfully bad time, go with the biggest stilettos in your closet.
You could leave with a broken ankle, which would be clutch.
Forget to bring water.
Nothing kills a bad time like having a refreshing drink while in the baking hot sun. It'll be more interesting/horrible for you to have to drink from the doggy fountain or scour the shrubs for droplets of condensation because you're so parched.
If possible, drink lots of coffee and/or alcohol before you set off on your hike so you'll be extra dehydrated. Play your cards right with this one and you could die!
Arrive with a full bladder.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than having to pee the entire time you're climbing a mountain. As to what liquids should be sloshing around in your belly? Refer to Tip 3.
Explore off the trail.
You know you're the one person who can do this without getting stranded. Go for it. This is also the best way to come across the natural wildlife of Runyon Canyon or Griffith Park: coyotes, rattlesnakes, black widows, drugged-out drifters, etc.
With the super favorable odds of getting tangled in the brush or bitten by something lethal, this is the most adventurously dumb option.
*Bonus Tip: Never look down.
Look down (aka, away from your selfies) and you'll avoid stepping in dog poop. Wouldn't want to miss out on spraying down your new Yeezys later!
Also, I should note, this list is like a pair of reversible jeggings. You can do the complete opposite of all these pointers if you want to have a splendid time on LA's trails. But what fun is that?