High school was more like one long, dry spell for me.
It was four long years that I had to endure a severe lack of genital stimulation (from another person, at least).
I somehow managed to be trapped in a building full of eager girls my age without even touching a boob.
Alas, I'm mostly at fault for this tragedy.
I wasn't exactly the most charming fellow, I suppose.
The war on acne had completely claimed my face during this time, which probably didn't help either.
Have you ever seen the bottom of a Nestlé Crunch bar? With all the crispy rice protruding out of the bottom?
Yeah. That was pretty much my face senior year.
Sometimes, I look back on these years and feel regretful about them.
Namely, I regret never having the opportunity to post #RelationshipGoals selfies on Myspace (back when they meant something), never having a real prom or homecoming date and never getting a good old hand job at that awkward age when everyone was too afraid to have sex.
But then, as I got even older, I realized not getting any during those years strangely had some positive outcomes on my life. At least, depending on how you look at it.
I think these things helped me become a more resilient person today.
These are the things I mean:
1. You had more time to focus on other things.
All of that sexual energy and frustration was used for other productive things like sports, math club and extracurricular activities that don't involve getting naked.
Sometimes, our sex drives can be a distraction, especially when we're so young and naïve. They can harbor negative consequences.
I mean, can you imagine a world in which Bill Gates was drowning in ladies during high school?
He would have never founded Microsoft.
2. You've grown accustomed to dry spells.
Chapped dick is nothing new to you, my sexually inactive friends.
Even the best of us have our dry seasons sometimes, perhaps after a bad breakup, due to bad logistics (like living in your mom's basement) or just plain bad luck.
Some guys get too desperate because all they know is relationships, as they've been effectively hitting the jackpot all the time since high school.
They are just wrecks without a bae. You, on the other hand, play it cool.
You know when to hold 'em and you know when to fold 'em. When you do, things usually work out naturally.
3. You're used to doing things solo.
The phrase "table for one" isn't a foreign concept to you, as you've grown up eating by yourself.
Yes, by now, you do know how to wine and dine a lady if need be. But you enjoy treating yourself just as much.
4. What you lack in experience, you'll make up for in enthusiasm.
Your college girlfriend, for instance, will probably have more sexual experience than you.
This means that while sex may be more or less routine for her, you're more like a curious kid in a candy shop.
Her sexually liberated prowess should encourage you to explore her body like nothing you've ever seen before.
This can be very exhilarating for both parties, as you leave no leaf unturned on her.
You guys are in luck because this sort of bedroom enthusiasm is being encouraged.
She won't even care that you're a 21-year-old virgin anymore.
5. You've had more time to figure yourself out.
You've had more time to realize what you truly like and dislike, what turns you on and what doesn't and what you really want to be when you grow up.
This caused me to become more career-oriented, as I did not have any relationship conflicts regarding traveling, enrolling in college out-of-state or generally doing whatever I wanted to do.
6. You're less likely to get married to your high school sweetheart in your early-to-mid-20s.
I'm not knocking this phenomena because sometimes, marrying works out.
But during this time, a young soul should be exploring other options and playing the field to truly find out what he or she wants.
I personally know guys who got divorced twice and aren't even 30 yet because they rushed into things.
Who knows? "The one" could still be out there.
But you'll never know that if you conveniently put all of your chips on a girl you arbitrarily met by living in the same school district.
In all of your inexperienced life, you were only exposed to that option. There's a whole world of other potential mates out there.
I'm just saying it would be a shame to restrict yourself if you don't have to hurry to fully engage in this "adult" thing we Millennials are pretending to do.
7. Your chances of ending up 16 and pregnant were significantly low.
Making it out of your teens without knocking someone up is a highly commendable feat now, especially given that it's been glorified on MTV.
Therefore, you don't even have to pat yourself on the back for this one. You were already a winner by default, stud.
So you may not have graduated as valedictorian. So what?
Instead, you learned a lot of valuable things about yourself in the process.
As a bonus, you're probably much more humble in the dating game.
When you're finally ready to get off the bench, you'll do well on the field.