Sometimes you cut an onion, only to find another layer underneath. Discovering your girlfriend is into astrology is just like cutting an onion: Both will leave you crying uncontrollably.
Horoscope signs are a lot like personality tattoos on your brain based off what month you were born in, even though the only way your birthday will actually affect your personality is if it's on Christmas, making you bitter and resentful toward Jesus Christ for annually upstaging you.
These signs are based off the Zodiac, an unidentified serial killer who operated in Northern California in the late 1960s and early 1970s. Here's what you need to know about them solely because your girlfriend is really into this right now, and you want to make this thing work.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Symbolized by the "Man Who Carries Water," which is far too specific to mean anything at all.
Why a man? Why water? Carrying it to where? Often, an Aquarius will look to their horoscope for answers, only to walk away with more questions.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Symbolized by the fish, to which the "Man Who Carries Water" may or may not be carrying water.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Symbolized by the ram, it's often best to aggressively head-butt them when meeting one, as is the ram's way.
If you don't do this, they will assume themselves the dominant and continue to talk to you about astrology.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Symbolized by the bull, there is a lot of debate about whether or not this sign is better than a ram.
Though both have horned-heads, bulls are conventionally thought to be stronger. Rams, on the other hand, are not thought of as much, giving us no conventional thought to go on.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Symbolized by the twins, who, much like in real life, are never cool as you hope.
They don't wear matching clothes or even pretend to be each other to get out of a jam. Consider them fraternal twins, or siblings who are closer than you're comfortable with.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Symbolized by the crab.
It is unclear whether or not this crab has cancer, or even what type of cancer it might have. Signs point to claw cancer, but this isn't exactly a science, now is it?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Symbolized (until recently) by a lack of Academy Awards, despite excellent performances in a lifetime of roles.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Symbolized by the maiden and ruled by Mercury.
Women who fall under this sign are more likely to get mercury poisoning, leading to damage of the brain, kidneys and lungs.
Remember, no matter your sign, do not drink mercury.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Symbolized by the scales, the word "Libra" is very close to the word "library."
With a difference of only two letters, it's close enough that you can assume anyone born with this sign to own at least one book, if not be a building full of them.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Symbolized by the scorpion, a decision has been traced back through the centuries, finding its root in an ancient writer who just kind of phoned it in.
Expect people born with this sign to also phone it in, just like the tale of the lazy scorpion -- oh, have you not heard the tale of the lazy scorpion?
Once upon a time, there was a little scorpion named Timmy, who lived in a sandy hut in Scorpion Hills, Arizona, and all Timmy ever wanted was to be the first scorpion surfer. So one day, Timmy entered himself in the Arizona surfing contest, which took place in Hawaii.
Timmy boarded his flight, and on board, he met the most charming dolphin named Gobbles, who had been working his whole life to be a surfer. Timmy felt jealous, as the dolphin already had natural surfing ability, while he was stuck with a hard shell and poison. Though, it was the hard shell of his emotions and the poison of his hate that led him to darkness, attacking Gobbles in the airport bathroom, maiming him so he couldn't compete.
These were the dark days of Timmy. Soon the contest began, and Timmy was not doing very well. He was a desert-born scorpion who had never surfed before. He could feel his dream slipping away with each crashing wave. So he did what he knew best and began systematically maiming the other competitors, hoping to win by default.
Then, on the final day of the competition, when he was alone in the water, the solo competitor left, he finally got his wave. Timmy couldn't believe it, he was surfing! Hanging 10 on the cowabunga express! Unfortunately, being high up on that wave gave the FBI the perfect view of Timmy, and they waited on shore to arrest him for over a dozen assault charges. Timmy knew this was coming, but he didn't care. He surfed right up to the FBI, and began brutally maiming them.
“Timmy ain't going down without a fight,” he yelled, right before being shot in the back by none other than Gobbles the dolphin, now in a wheelchair, exclaiming, “Scorpio? More like Scorpi-No.”
The moral of the story is that if Timmy would have taken the time to learn how to surf, this whole mess could have been avoided. If you're not willing to work toward your dreams, then you might as well stay asleep.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Symbolized by the Centaur, but that's really just something that I heard at work by the water cooler.
Mostly heresy, but it came from Dave, who's a Libra, so he's a pretty smart guy.
Capricorns (December 22 - January 19)
Symbolized by the mountain goat, causing many to raise the question: “Isn't a mountain goat pretty much the same as a ram?”
To those people, do not expect an answer, only know that you're doing well just by asking the question.