Getting hit in the nuts is a one-of-a-kind pain. There's nothing quite like it. It can be triggered by anything from a point-blank low blow to an accidental brushing of someone's hand.
The pain starts out psychological. It doesn't set in right away, so when you've been hit, or think you've been hit, there's a moment when you wonder if you'll feel it at all.
Then, the minute you think you've gotten away with it, the pain comes rushing in all at once, like the wave of intoxication from back-to-back-to-back shots of whiskey.
Also like shots of whiskey, it hits you physically, sinks into you internally and settles deep, deep into your soul. It brings you to your knees and makes you feel hollow inside.
That's how I would describe it, anyway. But again, it's a hard sensation to pinpoint. That's why I had 15 other guys weigh in, in an attempt to illustrate just how horrifically unique this pain is to all who harbor testes.
1. Gone with the wind.
It feels like getting the wind knocked out of you as you lie on the ground in a defenseless fetal position waiting for the pain to subside.
--El Niño*, 22
2. Not just a pain, an experience.
Waves of pain. There is an immediate contact feeling that hurts, then it gets deeper and more targeted to specific regions. At some point, it moves to your stomach for some reason science has never fully explained. When you get hit in the balls, it's not just pain; it's an experience. There is a moment when you get hit in the balls and legitimately wonder if you’ll ever be happy again.
3. It'll take your breath away.
It's like all the air in the world has been sucked into outer space.
4. Think: Red Wedding.
Remember that extreme, horrible feeling of pain you experienced while watching "The Red Wedding" episode of "Game of Thrones" that you thought you could manage but really couldn't and stuck around for way longer than expected, leaving you yelling, screaming and unable to form words? Yeah, that's the feeling... but in your balls.
5. Don't piss off your girl.
Well I don't have balls, but my boyfriend describes it as needing to throw up and poop at the same time. I know this because once I was mad at him and kneed him in the balls at a bar. He ended up getting kicked out for falling to the floor.
It feels how Arsenal players feel after coming in fourth place every year in the EPL.
7. Would not recommend.
In a matter of seconds, it feels like you've been overcome by a crippling illness, and this illness causes nausea, inability to walk, possible/very likely tears and immense testicle pain. So, in short, it feels goddamn awful and, for a fleeting moment, makes you wish you had no balls so the pain and discomfort would go away. Zero out of 10, would not recommend.
8. You know what's coming...
Doesn't feel like much at first... just an impact. But you know what's coming: an intensely mind-numbing, dull ache starts to spread from your groin to your stomach, and you can't even think about anything except for how much it hurts.
9. Burrito punch.
Imagine getting punched in your stomach 30 seconds after having a very satisfying and large burrito, and then having that throbbing pain shoot up in your gut and stay there for the next two minutes.
10. Oh my...
Have you ever gotten hit with a sledge hammer in the head while puking your brains out in the midst of getting your kneecaps split in half while getting tortured in a black vice and getting struck by lightning at the same time...?
11. "That diarrhea feeling."
Really the only way I can describe it is "that diarrhea feeling." It feels like the excruciating pain that precedes explosive diarrhea, but rather than being able to blast that pain out of your butt, you just have to wait for it to dull and worry about the prospect of ever becoming a father.
12. That 10-second build.
The pain starts slow and builds up over 10 seconds, shoots up your side from your nuts, up to the hip and then up and in toward your gut. F*ck, it sucks.
There's the initial shock, the pain and anguish in your actual balls. Then, there's a horrible lasting ache that spreads from your scrotum, to your groin, to your abdomen.
14. Probably not as bad as giving birth... OK, definitely not.
Getting hit in the balls feels like someone took your bladder and popped it. It probably is what it feels like to give birth...except it goes away after a few minutes, unlike giving birth, which can take several hours. Glad I'm a dude.
15. Ain't no sunshine.
It’s like someone has sucked all of the sunshine out of the universe while you anally inhale an oversized dildo.