A Satirical Take On Feminism As Realistically Told By Male Public Figures

by Carolyn G. Osorio

Greetings, ladies! Are you feeling a little too empowered, respected and appreciated at work? Are you feeling guilty about objectifying those hot guys at the bar (even though they deserved it for wearing those slutty button-downs)?

Are you uncomfortable about earning exponentially more money than your fellow coworkers, who do just as much if not more work than you?

We understand.

All of that gratitude and recognition can go straight to your head, making you maniacal, domineering and *gasp* a bitch! You might even get the silly idea feminism is valid, or that someday, you could actually run for president of the United States!

Did you watch the teaser clip of Lena Dunham’s interview with Hillary Clinton, and find yourself anxiously awaiting the uterine-destroying awesomeness of the full video due out Tuesday? Does the idea of Amy Schumer’s cameo in it make your tear ducts burn with raging lady pride, while deep feelings about gender equality threaten to swallow your feeble, girlish brain?

Never fear, ladies. Here is a collection of quotes to bring you back down to earth, and put you into your womanly place.

Everyone — from politicians and CEOs to the male incarnation of enlightenment itself, the Dalai Lama — wants to help you remember you are less-than because you weren’t born with the remarkable splendor that is a penis.

Pat Robertson, Chairman of the Christian Broadcasting Network

Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama

(This guy keeps using the word enlightenment, but I don’t think it means what he thinks it means.)

“If female Dalai Lama come, then that female must be very attractive, otherwise not much use.”

Evan Spiegel, CEO of Snapchat and frat boy extraordinaire

“So give yourself a pat on the back or have some girl put your large kappa sigma dick down her throat.”

Donald Trump, no description needed

"Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?! I mean, she's a woman, and I'm not s'posedta say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?"

Mitt Romney, multi-tasking Mormon and one-time presidential candidate

"I had the chance to pull together a cabinet, and all the applicants seemed to be men… I went to a number of women's groups and said, 'Can you help us find folks?' and they brought us whole binders full of women."

Ernest Hemingway, author, alcoholic and raging philanderer

If you leave a woman, though, you probably ought to shoot her. It would save enough trouble in the end even if they hanged you.”

Mike Huckabee, Fox News talk show host, Christian minister and electric bass guitarist for a classic-rock cover band no one has ever heard of

"That's an easy one. I'd put my wife on there [the $10 bill...] And then that way, she could spend her own money with her face."

@MechofJusticeWZ, tool on Twitter

I challenge any female tweeting unironically with #MasculinitySoFragile to last three rounds against me in a fight. We’ll see who’s fragile.”

Aristotle, Ancient philosopher and BC bro-douche

"The female is a female by virtue of a certain lack of qualities; we should regard the female nature as afflicted with a natural defectiveness."

"A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave."

"The male is by nature superior, and the female inferior; and the one rules, and the other is ruled."

Now that you have been put back into your place, never forget feminism is an inappropriate four-letter word! No one will take you seriously while you’re f*ckable, and don’t think for a second you should be seen in public a single day after your f*ckability runs out!

Just accept sexual assault is your fault, and you deserve to be fat-shamed for having the audacity to look like anything but a runway model!

There, feel better?

Phew, I’m so glad I could rescue you from that feminism train headed straight to Respected Professional Town. It's much better for you here, lounging on the useless, superfluous banks of fluff, better known by men as the land of feminine virtue.