Love is a battlefield. Pat Benatar wouldn’t have said so if it wasn’t true.
There are a lot of challenges that arise when you embark on a new relationship.
Some of my favorite struggles include impressing crazy family members, toothbrush-location drama and adjusting to new and strange Netflix queues.
But, there is one fear that lives deep inside all of our guts, bubbling up to the surface during intense moments of stress, doubt and burrito binges.
What if -- I mean WHAT IF -- you farted in front of your boyfriend?
Hi. My name is Jamie LeeLo, and I am a FIBF survivor. And I can help you.
Here is what I recommend:
This means reminding him you make 78 cents to the dollar.
WHAT ABOUT FEMINISM, BRO?! Gently remind him men and women are created equal, and you have every right in the world that he has.
That includes normal, uncontrollable bodily functions.
Also, bringing up feminism in general normally makes men uncomfortable and leave the room. Consider those 22 cents fart points. (Note: This works in most arguments and crises.)
Pass the blame
Scan the room for any other living beings, and blame that living being.
Got a cat? Blame the cat. Got a plant? Blame the plant.
In extreme cases -- dependent on a number of obvious and literal variables -- you MIGHT be able to get away with blaming a pilot light that went out and caused a gas leak.
That is, unless you’re a strange hotel vagabond and none of the options above are available to you -- in which case, run away and NEVER COME BACK.
Deny, Deny, Deny
Can he REALLY be sure it wasn’t him?
There is always the possibility if you look him directly in the eye and firmly shout, “No, YOU farted!” he may be momentarily confused and believe it could have actually been his own atrocity.
Due to deeply rooted and unfair societal norms (see: Defend Yourself), it is much less taboo for a boyfriend to fart in front of his girlfriend.
Suggesting perhaps he is confusing your fart for one of his own farts may make all the sense in the world to your sweetheart boo bear.
Throw a sheet over your head, cut holes for your eyes and live the rest of our life as an invisible ghost.
This is very self-explanatory.
You would be surprised to learn how often people leave you alone in this circumstance.
Being invisible is ideal in group settings when you want to eavesdrop, but don’t want anyone to know you are there or listening.
It also is exceptionally convenient toward the end of October, when other FIFB survivors who went with the “ghost” route reveal themselves and gather to eat candy.
(Note: All invisible ghosts can see one another, but no one else can.)
For when all else fails.
Other less researched, but widely accepted, methods of survival include:
- Bursting into tears to stop the madness and distract, distract, distract.
- Aggressively inhaling as much of the air around you as possible to soak up the culprit before it gets to your snuggle bunny's nostrils. (This is particularly useful in a Silent But Deadly (SBD) scenario.)
- Calling your parents and asking for money.
The most important thing, young grasshoppers, is to remember you are only human.
Know in your heart of hearts there is no way you could have predicted that kale smoothie would have these miserable effects, and you were only doing your best to be a healthy, eco-friendly, sex-pot babe, which in fact makes you the BEST girlfriend your boyfriend could ever ask for.
Go forth into the world, and if you need me, I will be sitting in this Starbucks under a sheet, aggressively Facebook stalking Derek.
Derek, if you’re reading this, I love you, and I’m sorry.