I Answered All Your Family's Annoying Holiday Questions So You Don't Have To

20th Century Fox

This holiday season, you are sure to get a barrage of questions from relatives you have not seen for quite some time — maybe even since last year.

You'll probably get asked (and feel obligated to answer) a laundry list of questions, and you'll get asked the same ones over and over.

Did you ever wish you could just direct your friends and family to a frequently asked questions page, where the answers to all their questions are posted?

Well, that's exactly what I've done for you below.

Feel free to copy and paste this post on your own website or just grab their phone, navigate to this article and walk away.

Q: How are you?

A: [Look at watch.] Ready for my next round of meds. Care to join me in a nice long, relaxing scream? [Scream loudly.]

Q: My friend's [insert relationship, like niece, daughter, nephew or anyone else around your age] just became a [insert very important-sounding profession like doctor, lawyer or CEO]. How's your job going?”

A: Not bad; I'm one step closer to ending world hunger. [Insert polite laughter.] Really, there's never been a better time to be a [insert job title].

Q: How come you're not married?

A: Make a list:

- Student loans. You know how much debt I bring with me?

- What would I do with my [insert type of pet]?

- That is so last year. Everyone is just living together now.

Q: You going to have kids anytime soon? (Why don't you have any kids?)

A: Are you kidding? World population is out of control. Besides, I already have a [again, insert type of pet].

Q: Why don't you just pray for a [insert whatever they think you should have, like husband, child or house]. 

A: I did. God did not answer, so I joined a cult.

They say I should sacrifice a virgin goat, but do you know how hard it is to check if a goat is a virgin, let alone find one that still is? I'm working on it, though.

Q: Can you help me set up my [insert social media profile or gadget]?

A: I'd love to, but it looks like your [insert phone or gadget they handed you] has a user to device connection problem.

Q: Are you still in school?

A: Yes. I plan to be a lifelong student. When did you reach the point in your life when you knew it all?

Q: Why didn't/don't you major in [insert major]? (This is never the kind of major you are actually seeking.)

A: Liberal arts is where it's at these days.

Liberal arts skills are needed in every profession, and those with liberal arts degrees hate their jobs less and are happier overall than [insert the profession they think you should have chosen]. 

Q: When are you going to buy a house? (Why do you still live in that disgusting apartment?)

A: I hate yardwork. Besides, lots of people are renting instead of buying these days.

Q: Have you lost/gained weight?

Lost weight answer: I worked out and gained some muscle earlier this year, but I was a danger to myself and others.

My regular Hulking out was starting to make things awkward for me at work, so I decided to quit.

Gained weight answer: People told me to go vegan, so I ate one. Are you saying it didn't help?

Q: Anything political

A: People, huh? How about this pie? Have you tried this pie? [Stuff mouth full with pie.]

Q: Why don't we see you more?

A1: [Break into tears.] I love you all so much and miss you. But, you'll have to excuse me. Sorry, I always have to be on my phone for work. [Leave room and go check your Twitter feed.]

A2: Why don't you visit more often? Is my disgusting, tiny apartment not good enough for you? Why is nothing I do ever good enough for you?

Q: You still doing the writer/artist thing? That's cute. What do you do for money, though?

A: Donate plasma, sperm and organs. Want to see my kidney scar? [Start to pull up your shirt.] (They'll stop you, I promise.)

I bet there are even more stupid questions your family asks around the holidays, so feel free to Tweet them at me @tlambertwrites, or use the hashtag #StupidHolidayQuestions. I will try to get some answers for you.

And on that note, happy holidays!