Posting on social media is awesome.
It makes it TOO EASY to share your unique thoughts, feelings and statuses with hundreds -- maybe thousands -- of your closest friends, and we all know how totally cool it is to be subject to public opinion and commentary.
Most of all, it’s a huge adrenaline rush because you are either going to praised beyond reason and assured you’re actually a god among mortals OR brutally scrutinized and shrunk down to moron status. EXCITING!
Here is a play-by-play of every thought you have when posting a strong opinion on Facebook.
Five Minutes Before Posting: Hey! You know what I just realized? I feel exceptionally strong about this one particular thing. I think I can explain it eloquently and in a new way people haven’t heard before but I’m certain will truly resonate with them! I’m going to write a post about it!
One Minute Before: If I use the disclaimer “For me…” or “In my experience…” that will make sure everyone knows I’m not trying to start a fight. They’ll definitely understand I accept the fact I MIGHT be wrong about this thing, but given my personal life experiences what I’m about to say makes the most sense for me and, consequently, everyone. Probably.
The Minute You Post: There! I did it!
30 Seconds After: Hmmmmm, no one’s liked it yet...
One Minute After: Oh my god. Wait. I just remembered I have that one friend who has the direct opposite view of what I’m trying to say based on that very real thing that happened to that person one time.
Wait a minute... have OTHER people had different experiences from me who may find what I’ve said to be untruthful or offensive? Am I an idiot?
Two Minutes After: OMG OMG OMG OMG I’m an idiot.
Three Minutes After: WHEW, OK. Four likes. Sitting pretty. I’m totally right and do not need to feel sh*tty about this at all.
Four Minutes After: WHY DID BECCA COMMENT? Ugh, what did she say? Becccaaaaaaa.
Five Minutes After: F*CK. Becca has a point that perfectly counters my thesis. She’s right. I totally didn’t see it that way earlier. I should just delete it. NO! I should respond. OK, I’ll respond.
Six Minutes After: You know what, though, I meant what I said. Maybe if I just try to make my argument again but in a different way to Becca in the comments thread, I can nip this in the bud and she’ll back off.
Seven Minutes After: BECCA’S COMMENT HAS TWO LIKES. F*CKKKKK
Eight Minutes After: OK. Just apologize. Just say you’re sorry and you didn’t know what you were thinking.
Nine Minutes After: Wait a minute. I DID know what I was thinking! I just spoke my own truth. Everyone gets a truth! Becca isn’t the only one who deserves to speak her truth!
10 Minutes After: Who is texting me? Oh my god. People are texting me about this. I CAN’T believe this is even a big deal. I didn’t even think about it that seriously before I posted. Really.
11 Minutes After: Ughhhh, people are making fun of me! But I really meant what I posted! I thought it out all the way! This is a big deal to me!
12 Minutes After: Well, that’s it. Now I have to unfriend everyone on my adult Wiffle ball team... and also Aunt Judy.
13 Minutes After: I know what will fix this. I’m going to leave a funny GIF of Michelle Tanner shrugging in the comments section. That should do the trick.
14 Minutes After: OH, JUST BECAUSE I LEFT A MICHELLE TANNER GIF PEOPLE THINK I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS IS SERIOUS? I KNOW THIS IS SERIOUS! I WROTE IT!
15 Minutes After: BECCA, SHUT THE F*CK UP!!!!!!!!!
16 Minutes After: You know what? This is good. This is how you can tell who your real friends are and not just a mass pile of profile pictures and people who have nothing else to do besides like pictures of my cat. If you can’t handle this post, then you can’t handle me.
17 Minutes After: I hope I don’t lose all my friends.
18 Minutes After: I can’t just delete it because then they’ve, like, won or something, ya know? I’ll just make a new post so this one goes farther down on my news feed. I know I have a video of my cat stuck in a shoe somewhere.
19 Minutes After: WTF. Becca liked my cat video?!?! Why would she do that? WTF IS GOING ON?!
20 Minutes After: Oh... I’m up to 30 likes. OK, that is the magic validation number for me to relax! Whew. I’ll just go watch Netflix now.
30 Minutes After: Hey! You know what I just realized? It’s really messed up the way they portray the lower class in this beloved, very popular show. I should write a post about it.