Our Elite team of nightlife experts has been perusing the club scene and has uncovered a rather disturbing trend—many people behave as if they were vulgar, uncivilized animals on nights out. We admit to exhibiting animal-like behavior while in a“let's get wasted” mindset at times as well.
However, after taking note of this, we have discovered that this trend is more pervasive in a particular sect—perverse men that are scavenging to get laid. The scene has become oddly reminiscent of footage of hunting expeditions witnessed on the National Geographic.
Here is a list of the various men you’ll encounter trying to find their mate:
9. The Pack Hunters
What they do: They arrive in great numbers already aggressively drunk. They are usually of the same cultural ethnicity or have been great friends for an extensive period. You can identify a pack by the astronomically disproportionate ratio they arrive at the venue with--i.e. 10 guys 2 girls. They often can be witnessed inflating their chests in a primal effort to misrepresent themselves as larger than they actually are. They’ve chosen to migrate from bro-central for one reason: hopes to get laid.
How successful are they? This group has a moderate rate of success due to the fact that they do have an actual ability to attract females. Their target female tends be the average looking wallflower waiting for attention which surely ties into their success. Also, when they find one of these girls, she is likely to have friends who are equally credulous making it easy for the rest of the pack to feast off this hunt. Note: homie-hoppers are extremely prevalent in this group.
8. The Vultures
What they do: The Vultures are a group of males that circle around a young lady who isn’t currently being guarded by any other females. This closes off her exit and makes her easy prey. Vultures will typically roll to the club together and spring into action as soon as the first lovely creature makes her way to the bar for a drink. They swoop in and circle around, working against each other to gain the female’s interest.
How successful are they? If we’re talking about percentages and numbers, divide “zero chance at all” by the amount of guys and you’ll get your number. For our mathematically challenged readers, this still equals zero by the way.
7. The Wingmen
What they do: This duo will usually be comprised of two males who go to the bar with the understanding that they’ll be working as a team. Often, one of these males is more dominant and well-versed in the act of courting females while the other will need help obtaining the attention and approval of a woman. Still, the dominant male relies on his friend to act as a buffer to keep the veritable mating dance of conversation going and drinks flowing. Note: A wing man prevents any potential awkward silences during this situation.
How successful are they? The fact that they approach their potential mates with a focus on symmetry (they will only seek out groups of females that equal the number in their own group) helps them increase their typically modest odds of success.
6. The Promoter
What They Do: This guy is paid to be at the club and host a table. He usually brings in about 6-7 girls with him to keep the table full and this gives the club stronger public perception. He has most likely already slept with the vast majority of the girls he arrived with. In other cases, he is uninterested and searching for new girls to acquire and coerce to join his circle of women. He is a bit aggressive and will usually try to speak to every female that passes him by offering her the most luxurious watered down vodka.
How successful are they? They have a success rate of around 45%. Reason being, girls are very intrigued by guys with tables whether they are promoters or not. A table at a popular venue is a symbol of power, prestige, and wealth—three things that the superficial floozies he’s looking for will love. Also, when girls see a guy surrounded by many women they become interested and are more inclined to be more comfortable joining them. The unfortunate part for the women is if he gets her number, the mass texts will never ever stop.
5. The Wild Drunk
What they do: You can identify this one by the awkward, stumbling gait that he employs to get around. The wild drunk has imbibed enough liquor to lower his standards and improve his confidence level. Going solo is his style, and he patiently waits for the most appealing females to get taken in by the mightier males. When all the prime prey has been hunted, this inebriated drunk stealthily creeps in to nab the leftover and less desirable females. He is easily scared off by even a whiff of an alpha male’s presence. This one will also look to freeload off of "friends" tables and run out soon as the bill arrives.
How successful are they? Due to his hindered mobility, speech, and capability of holding an erection, the scavenger has a low probability of success. Still, there are female scavengers out there as well, so he’s got hope.
4. The Old Rich Guy
What they do: These hypersexual geriatrics are usually celebrating their one night of having a hall pass or their most recent divorce. They attempt to lure young women to their table by using massive wealth to overcome their old age. They usually flock towards the youngest women at the club, with an almost pedophilic quest for youthful bodies. Once a young lad joins their table, the excitement is uncontainable. You can almost see the joy and desperation in his eyes as he tries to impress her with expensive champagne and promises of trips to St Barths.
How successful are they? The success rate is at about 30% only because these women will stick around their tables and drink all their liquor. Unfortunately for these old geezers, once it’s time to go home they’ll usually shy away as they just realize just how old he is.
3. The Drug Addict
What they do: These men are the ones that are drugged out 90% of the time either on molly or cocaine. You can identify them by observing extremely strange, overly elated behavior along with a set of pupils so dilated they look like dinner plates. In the case of cocaine you’re likely to notice displays of hyper aggression towards women. These men will also attempt to use drugs to reel women in, but oftentimes end up too coked out to even maintain an erection.
How successful are they? Surprisingly, they are successful--at about a 46 % success rate. Many women are intrigued by drugs and are easily reeled in by a free bump.
2. The Hyena
What they do: Hyenas are known to actively engage females, scaring off some of the larger males in the process. Often loud and boisterous, the Hyena can entertain a large group. If the Hyena sees leftovers from the Pack Hunters or Vultures, he will move in to take what he believes is rightfully his.
How successful are they? Since the Hyena has the ability to hold a group’s attention, females become more attracted to him. And even if that doesn’t work, his low standards will help him pick up those leftovers. Hyenas don’t always get what they want, but they do get what they need.
1. The Royals
What they do: They come into the club with about 30 people and manage to spend excessive amounts of money on any given night. If you see a sparkler parade of more than 10 sparklers, chances are you are in the presence of a royal. They entice women through their excessive spending and high amount of libations at hand.
How successful are they? These men are extremely successful, as women flock to their tables on any given night and oftentimes wind up at an after party where they, “give up the golden egg.”