21 Life Updates You Shouldn't Share With Your Family Over Thanksgiving

by Rachel Aldrich
Warner Bros. Pictures

After you leave your teenage years behind, you’d think your relatives would stop asking embarrassing questions over the dining room table during the holidays.

Now that you've stopped growing approximately five years ago, you’ll never hear “You’ve gotten so big!” ever again. Instead, your beloved aunts and uncles are going to bring out the big guns.

You thought the yearly Thanksgiving inquisition was hard before? Think again.

Now, their questions cause more than just annoyance; they strike real fear into our hearts.

“What do you want to do with your life?”

“Why don’t you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?”

“When are you going to bring me some grandkids?”

This is what you can expect at every family gathering until you’re married with at least two children.

But whatever you do, make sure you avoid telling them what you’ve really been up to.

It’s safe to say these 21 life updates should remain unspoken at the Thanksgiving table:

1. You re-downloaded Tinder again.

“After weeks of trying to fight the urge of modern love, I have to report, with a heavy heart, I re-downloaded Tinder, Grandma.

Don’t be disappointed in me. I just want to see the people I match with.”

2. You actually went on that Tinder date.

“He seemed nice, okay?”

3. You “accidentally” slept with your Tinder date.

“I have no excuses for this one, Grandma. It turns out he wasn’t nice, but he was hot.”

4. You’re starting to realize your humanities major actually was useless.

“You were totally right, uncle Joe. I’m completely unemployable.”

5. Your latest STD test came back clean.

“This one was a real gamble, too. It's a huge weight off my chest.

Who wants to celebrate?”

6. Or maybe, it didn’t.

“Don’t worry, family. Chlamydia is super easy to cure these days.

I’m going to make it.”

7. Your current job is basically a waste of time.

“There’s no way I’m going to be a barista for the rest of my life, uncle Jerry.

I’m just doing this so I can pay for my booze on the weekends.”

8. So, you’re quitting.

“Hey, at least I tried. Shouldn’t that count for something?”

9. And you're planning a startup.

“The business plan is almost complete. Give me a few more weeks, and then you can invest.”

10. You finished all of "Parks and Recreation" — from start to finish — last weekend.

“Yes, Dad, I really didn’t step outside for 48 hours. Are you proud of me yet?”

11. You’ve spent more on Starbucks and wine than on normal adult things, like cleaning products, toilet paper, non-frozen food, etc.

“I have to keep hydrated!”

12. This Thanksgiving dinner is the first time you’ve worn real pants in weeks.

“To be honest, aunt Cathy, I’ve been living in sweatpants. I haven’t washed them since October.”

13. You’ve decided to move across the country to find yourself.

“I’m also going to spend some time working on my art.”

14. Or, you’ve decided to go back to grad school.

“Yeah, I’m ready to take out another loan for $50,000 for yet another degree.”

15. You aren’t voting Trump, Clinton or whichever candidate your family supports.

"I’ve got to go my own way."

16. Or, you just don’t care about the election at all.

“I have to be real right now. I’m just going to vote for the hottest candidate.”

17. The last time you went to sleep before 2 am was some time in 2011.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

18. You’re still hungover from last night.

“Sorry, aunt Susan, but you’re going to have to change seats if you want to drink that wine.

If I even catch a single whiff of that, I promise you I’ll throw up.”

19. You started job-hunting last week, but you accidentally spent an hour Googling Justin Bieber’s nude pictures instead.

“I’m not apologizing for this one, Grandpa. It was life or death.”

20. You haven’t touched a vegetable in months.

“Does microwave popcorn count?”

21. You’re moving back home.

“Surprise, Mom!”