We've all had that pivotal moment in life: A friend introduces you to THE book/movie/band/comic book, and it hits like a ton of pop culture bricks and alters the course of your life forever. For some of you, it's the first time someone played you the Clash, or the first time you read (*cough cough* pretended to read) "Infinite Jest."
For me, it was the moment a few weeks ago when a friend told me about the dinosaur erotica genre on Amazon.
We were walking past a White Castle in Brooklyn, which seems like as appropriate a spot as any to discuss passionately-penned dino porn. (Most appropriate spot? We'll let history decide.)
I don't remember how it came up, and honestly, it's not important. The important thing is, now I know. And when I got home, I wondered: Is it possible that dinosaur erotica is just the tip of the bizarrely sensual Amazonian iceberg?
Spoiler alert: I was right. Like, super right.
So now for your reading and stimulatory pleasure, here is a list of some of the weirdest erotica titles on Amazon, along with descriptions, summaries, and my own reviews based on the summaries. (I'm on a deadline, so I didn't have time to read all of these. Plus I don't mix business with ... pleasure.)
1. "Taken by the T-Rex" by Christie Sims
Apparently, Ms. Christie Sims is an extremely popular and prolific author of "Stegasaurus" and other Triceratops-filled sexual tales -- this ain't her first T. rex gang bang. Sims has 330 titles on Amazon. 330!!! Who knew there were even that many types of dinosaurs to write about, right?!
No shade -- the woman is an inspiration. Do you know how difficult it is not only to identify your calling, but to pursue it successfully? Good for her, I say.
Average customer review: 3.5 stars
The summary: "Drin is her tribe's chief huntress; she lives for the thrill of the hunt. Men and sex hold no allure for her, as Drin has never found a partner to satisfy her. When a T-Rex descends upon her village, destroying it, Drin demands that the tribe's hunters go in search of the beast and slaughter it. Opting for safety instead of revenge, the tribe moves to a new location, hoping that the big beast won't follow them.”
My review based on the summary: 2.5 stars
I know, I know. “Alison, you started writing this whole article because of dinosaur erotica. A T. rex running around with a boner is your spirit animal, and you've been telling total strangers that you're going to name your theoretical first-born child Christie Sims, regardless of gender. So why are you giving this book such a low rating?”
Well, while I do applaud the attempt at empowered female character development and the extremely tasteful cover art, I have to take away points because it's all just a bit too tasteful. The pivotal question -- “Does she f*ck that dinosaur?” -- is left completely unanswered.
I mean, yeah, of course she does. But I'm a busy lady with busy business I have to busy at -- I don't have time to make inferences when I'm trying to pick my dinosaur sex fantasy novels!
2. "Unbearable: Russet Falls Series" by W.H. Vega
Oooooh, an author who only goes by initials! Important! Fancy! Literary! Let's dive in.
Average customer review: 3.5 stars
The summary: "What's a girl to do when she finds herself face-to-face with a ferocious bear in the middle of the forest? Gabby never should've stumbled off the beaten path but hindsight is…well. And not to mention -- She. Hates. Bears. Thank God for Zane, a super sexy park ranger who just happens to be on patrol and comes to Gabby's rescue.
The two immediately butt heads but Gabby can't control the overwhelming urge to let him take what he wants -- and he can't deny she is everything he wants. What Zane doesn't tell Gabby is that he's a werebear shifter and second in command of the ruthless Virtus clan…but she's got a few surprises of her own and she won't be easy prey.
When rival bear clans discover Gabby has royal blood running through her veins the hunt is on. She has no choice but to seek Zane's protection. The incredibly sexy, super cocky man who also happens to be a bear… What Zane doesn't tell Gabby is that he's the reason she hates bears in the first place -- he's the one who killed her father 20 years ago.”
My review based on the summary: 1,000,000,000,000.5 stars
Oh. My. God. She. Hates. Bears. I. Love. This. Book. I mean, I'm so impressed I won't even take away points for the pun in the title. This description had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. Twists, turns, and twists again! At first I was like, “Oh, dang, this isn't a book about a chick who f*cks a bear; it's just a book about a chick who f*cks a dude.” Womp-womp.
But then, HOLY SH*T, THE DUDE IS A BEAR! A BEAR WHO KILLED HER DAD!!! If you want drama, this bear-sex book's got it in loads (of bear jizz).
3. "Sex with My Husbands [sic] Anatomically Correct Robot: The Complete Sex with Robots Collection" by KJ Burkhardt
Another author with just initials for the first name? Ugh. The novelty has already worn off. And between the panic attack that missing apostrophe is giving me and the general lack of imagination of this premise (c'mon -- sex robots are totally a normal thing in lots of places already, probably), my expectations are pretty low here overall. I will say, however, that the title is hilarious and only gets funnier as it gets longer.
I can't imagine this one will do much for me, but let's see what we've got.
Average customer review: 0 reviews
The summary: "Angie is an everyday housewife whose loving husband is left paralyzed from the waist down after a horrifying accident. After months of sexual frustration following the terrible accident, she can't help but seduce a muscular workman while her husband is away at work.
When he finds out, he builds a mechanical man to keep his wife satiated and faithful to him. But the Robot may have a mind of its own as it seeks to please her every fantasy and desire. Will Angie learn to control her urges, or will she succumb to the pleasures of the robot every time she has a dirty thought? Find out in Volume 1 of the Sex With Robot's [sic] series."
My review based on the summary: Blerrrghhhh stars
Man. Zero reviews on Amazon? No one could even be bothered to give it a measly one-star rating! Though, to be fair, that might have something to do with the fact that Amazon currently lists this title as "out of print."
But I suspect that's just a ploy by the author to offer an initial limited run, making it seem more in-demand, so that it will sell out completely the next time they print new editions. It's a page right out of the Kylie Jenner lip kit playbook (which I assume is a playbook every savvy marketer has read and studied thoroughly, twice).
As for the description itself: Her husband finds out she's having an affair, so he builds her a sex robot with a mind of its own that she can have sex with instead? Isn't that still an affair? We're not talking about a giant, non-sentient dildo here -- this is the singularity!
And Angie shouldn't have to learn to control her urges -- dump that loser and find somebody who makes you feel alive, Ang! Android or otherwise! It's time to wake up from the Matrix -- you deserve better, and so do we readers.
4. "My Woolly Mammoth Boyfriend" by Whitney Fox
A book about a sexy woolly mammoth? How creative and inspired! This one definitely seems promising, but let's take a closer look.
Average customer review: Not yet reviewed
The summary: “Nicole, a brilliant and eccentric scientist hasn't been on a date in over five years, losing [sic] interest in men long ago. It's not until her best friend Shelly sets her up with a mini Wholly [sic] Mammoth, that Nicole's heart thaws from it's [sic] Ice Age, finally feeling love again for the first time in what feels like centuries.”
My review based on the summary: Negative 50 stars
I now realize that I was a bit hasty in basing my review of the summary of "Sex with My Husbands Anatomically Correct Robot: The Complete Sex with Robots Collection," largely because the fact that no one else had bothered to rate it. It seems like a lot of these books are in the same situation, so going forward, I won't hold it against any of the others. I appreciate your patience as I continue to learn and grow.
That being said, I'm still giving "My Woolly Mammoth Boyfriend" negative 50 stars. For one thing, I'm starting to notice there's a gross pattern among these books where the female characters are set up as strong, powerful women, yet they're somehow “incomplete” until some man(slash dinosaur slash bear slash robot slash wooly mammoth) comes along. Yuck. These are strong, independent women! They don't need some man (slash dinosaur slash bear slash robot slash wooly mammoth)!
Also: There are a lot of typos in this review -- I mean, they got the “woolly” in “wooly mammoth” wrong. Seriously? It's right there in the title! Come on!
Also also: I have a friend named Shelly as well, which could have made me more inclined to understand the mindset of the main character, but instead just made me think about how the Shelly in my life has never bothered to set me up with a creature from the Pleistocene epoch. I guess we're not as close as I thought.
5. "Cum for Bigfoot" by Virginia Wade
I'm a little confused by this title. Is it a command? Is it about cum that's being made for Bigfoot? Is it a weird play on "Flowers for Algernon"? Whatever it is, I find it a little crass, to be honest. Let's see if the summary can change my mind.
Average customer review: 3.3 stars
The summary: "On a weeklong outing in Mt. Hood National Forest, what begins as a flirty, fun-filled trip soon turns into a nightmare, when an ape-like creature kidnaps a group of teen girls with the purpose of procreating with them. Thus begins the erotic adventure of a lifetime, and an inconceivable love story between a young woman and her horny Sasquatch.”
My review based on the summary: Uncertain stars
OK, at first I was ready to dismiss this book completely, because I was a little skeeved out by what basically sounds like underage teen Sasquatch torture porn, but then I thought: Is it possible that "Cum for Bigfoot" is actually an allegory about how difficult it is for women, especially young women, to be taken seriously when reporting a sexual assault? Stay with me on this.
Maybe Bigfoot represents rape -- because too many people don't believe it's real. And if that's the message that "Cum for Bigfoot" is trying to get across, then well done, Ms. Wade.
If not, then this book sucks and I give it *armpit fart noise* stars.