In 1988, Bruce Willis went from a middling R&B artist to iconic action hero when he played John McClane, a lone wolf forced to use clever guerrilla tactics to combat a group of criminal masterminds who have unexpectedly threatened his livelihood.
Shortly after its release, a group of Hollywood executives sat down and asked, "What would 'Die Hard' be like if the protagonist was an 8-year-old boy from Illinois"?
Two years later, the world received an answer in the form of "Home Alone."
I was about the same age as Kevin McCallister the first time I saw the film, and I used to view it as a fairly lighthearted slapstick comedy that was a nice change of pace from all of those movies that used claymation to teach lessons about the Christmas spirit.
However, upon a more recent viewing, I couldn't help but focus on some of the darker themes I'd failed to notice before.
I'm omitting some of the more obvious transgressions (I probably don't have to tell you the two robbers are guilty of robbing) and I can't promise I caught everything, but it's clear the Wet Bandits aren't the only criminals.
You could argue there's no way these charges would hold up in a court of law, but that's a decision for the DA to make.
I'm just here to present the arguments (based on my incredibly limited knowledge of how the criminal justice system actually works).
Impersonating a police officer
Violation of: ILCS Section 38-17.2.
I think it's fairly obvious the Wet Bandits are guilty of burglary and robbery to varying degrees, so I'm going to ignore some of their more blatant crimes for the ones you might have not even considered before.
Pretending to be a police officer might not be the worst crime committed by Joe Pesci in "Home Alone," but it's certainly not going to help his case once he's arraigned on multiple home invasion charges.
Contributing to the delinquency of a minor
Violation of: ILCS Section 12C-30.
Based on all of the potential psychological issues stemming from the events that transpire over the course of "Home Alone," this is probably one of the last things Kevin (or anyone else) has to worry about.
There's also no chance Buzz would actually get charged with this crime in the first place, but it's best not to dwell too much on the technicalities. Let's just appreciate this metaphor for responsible gun ownership and move onto the next transgression.
Violation of: ILCS Section 12-21.5.
According to the Illinois law, you can only be convicted of abandoning your child if you do so "knowingly" and based the chaos preceding the ride to the airport, we as viewers know Kevin wasn't left home on purpose.
However, the prosecution doesn't have access to a major motion picture that clearly outlines the events that led up to this honest mistake.
All they have is the word of a mother who has every reason to protect herself and the testimony of travelers who can attest to the authenticity of the horror in her voice when she woke up an entire plane by screaming the name of her son.
With that being said, even without sufficient evidence to support her claim, it's hard to believe an affluent white woman from the Chicago suburbs would actually end up going to jail for this.
Violation of: ILCS Section 16A-3.
Felony? No (unless the store was selling a toothbrush for $300).
Comparatively speaking, stealing a toothbrush isn't really that big of a deal, and Kevin probably would have been fine if he hadn't walked into the one pharmacy with owners who would definitely want him prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law for his heinous crime.
I understand the need for proper oral hygiene, but I'd rather skip a couple of days of brushing than have to deal with a criminal record for the rest of my life. It would probably be expunged, but that's not a risk I'd want to take.
Criminal damage to property
Violation of: ILCS Section 38-21.1
Felony? Yes, to varying degrees.
I'm not sure why Marv decided his criminal enterprise needed branding, and his insistence on unnecessarily flooding every house he and Harry burglarize only helps the police track their progress through the suburbs of Chicago.
By never letting go of the whole "Wet Bandits" shtick, the gang is basically asking for another felony to be thrown onto the already teetering pile due to the potentially astronomical cost of combating the water damage.
Violation of: Some law, I'm sure.
Right before he suffered a concussion after taking a shovel to the head, Harry decides that there's only one way to extract revenge on Kevin for the torture he's been forced to endure: eating Kevin's fingers.
I'm not really sure if "attempted cannibalism" is even a crime, but even if it's legal, it's probably not a detail you want the jury to find out about when you're trying to get them on your side.