If I go somewhere like a bar, I know what I'm getting myself into. All my friends are going to be there. There’s a high chance I will run into my ex or meet a hot new guy. And I will be heavily inebriated and do something embarrassing, but it won't be the end of the world because there is not one chance that I will run into, say, my grandma.
It's a whole different story when I'm going to the store to buy some embarrassing sh*t. I'm not talking about sexy embarrassing, like a thong or a vibrator or something. No, I'm talking, like, Vagisil embarrassing. And no matter how many times you go to the store, whether it's the grocery store or the drug store, there's no telling who you are going to run into there and what state you are going to be in when you run into that person.
Think about it. These are stores where you can buy tampons and condoms and 30-racks and Vagisil and ANYONE, and I mean anyone -- from your high school teachers to your ex to your grandma -- is welcome.
Of course, there are some people who are perfectly fine to run into. But then there are some who are the absolute f*cking worst. Here they are.
1. Your ex while you’re buying Vagisil.
2. Your best friend you got into a blowout fight with while there’s only one cashier and a long line.
3. Your mom after you just told her you’re too busy to grab the milk for her from the store.
4. Your mom while she’s buying lube.
5. Your conservative aunt while you’re buying condoms.
6. Your crush while you’re buying zit cream and wearing sweat pants.
7. The random you made out with last night while you’re buying cough syrup.
8. Your hippie high school biology teacher while you’re buying a pack of plastic water bottles.
9. The guy you bailed on a third date with tonight because you were “out of town.”
10. Your friend’s dad while you’re buying tampons.
11. Your sister’s best friend from high school who you haven’t seen or heard from since 2007 while you’re buying supplies for your sister’s bachelorette party.
12. Your judgey family friend with the "perfect" family while you’re buying NyQuil, Doritos, Twinkies and Chicken Soup for the Youthful Soul.
13. Your dad while you’re buying condoms.
14. Your dad while he’s buying condoms.
15. Your roommate’s random coworker who’s been over for a few pregames while you’re buying handles for your pregame tonight.
16. Your mom’s gossipy friend when you’re buying a pregnancy test.
17. Your high school religion teacher while you’re buying Plan B.
18. The professor of the class you skipped today while you’re buying a handle of Tito’s.
19. Your doctor when you’re buying a grocery cart full of literally all of the sugary junk she specifically told you to stop eating if you ever want to live to see 40.
20. Your half sister’s ex-husband while you’re shopping with your nephew.
21. The guy who never called you after you peed his bed one time while you’re buying a box of chocolates and a pint of ice cream for yourself because you just got dumped.
22. Your best friend’s hot brother and his friends while you’re shopping for Mucinex in your sweats.
23. Your ex’s new girlfriend while you’re buying Midol for your raging PMS.
24. Your boss while you’re buying a 30-rack and a box of condoms.
25. Your snobby cousin who went to an Ivy League and is now working for the UN at the magazine rack while she’s picking up the latest Time and you’re picking up the latest Star.
26. Your best friend’s still-in-love-with-her-but-also-used-to-be-your-friend ex while you’re shopping for a funny birthday card for her.
27. Your grandpa while he’s buying Viagra.
28. Your sister while she’s picking up wine for the family dinner you bailed on because you were “working late.”
29. Your boss’s wife while you’re talking about your upcoming plans to quit on the phone.
30. Your in-class friend from college who was your group partner on every single project for at least four classes while you’re both in the same line at the drug counter.