I grew up in the suburbs and yes, I am a suburban white girl. My whole life I was surrounded by human beings of my kind and take it from me, suburban white girls are the most annoying breed of humans to ever walk this earth.
To find a suburban white girl who does not possess any of the following unfortunate qualities is a blessing, and if you are to actually accomplish such a feat, make sure you wife that girl up, immediately.
They’re All Super Fake
If you want to know if a girl is fake or not, just watch her interactions with other females. Watch a suburban white girl walk into a bar or a party and hear her squeal “AHHHHHHHHHH!”, run, jump, and hug another suburban white girl.
They’ll stand around and ask “Can you take a picture of us?!” and then caption the picture with “Twinny!!!” or “Sisters!!!!” on instagram when there’s no relation whatsoever. The second that interaction is over, they’re going to turn around and talk shit about each other in a second.
Suburban white girls live to have you feel that you can trust them, and have you tell them your most intimate secrets so they can turn around and tell them to everyone else in their path. High school behavior does not get outgrown in suburban white girls, just speak to any suburban white mother and you’ll pick up on that instantly.
They Love Shitty Music/Movies
One Direction, Taylor Swift, all that shit, suburban white girls love it. They feel like these celebrities relate to their ‘truly difficult’ relationship experiences and really speak to them.
They all have crushes on Justin Bieber and they all squeal while watching the X Factor everynight. Don’t even get me strated on Nicholas Sparks movies. Suburban white girls lose their shit over these ‘romantic’ films, and use them as an excuse to watch a movie with their friends while complaining that they’re single as they’re stuffing raw cookie dough down their throats.
They’re Scared Of Everything
“Wait you walk in first I’m scared.” “Wait, can you come to the bathroom with me?” “Wait, I’m awkward can you not leave me?” We’ve all heard this phrases come out of suburban white girl’s mouths at one point or another, and it’s all hilarious.
Like why are you so terrified of everything? Walk into the fucking party first, go to the bathroom alone, and stop being awkward by walking around and talking to people. It’s that simple.
Everything Is A Problem
Suburban white girls believe that their lives are extremely difficult. They truly believe that all of their ‘white girl problems’ are actually problems, and are too narrow minded to see past the fact that just because Starbucks closes an hour earlier than you would have liked their lives are actually pretty cushy.
Side note: for the sake of not getting a million comments on how I’m insensitive, rude, and one-sided, I’m guilty of several of these flaws. I find myself to be extremely annoying, but at least I own up to it.
Ally | Elite.
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