This past weekend, I was introduced to the new Miley Cyrus song "BB Talk."
I was blown away. The song is catchy. The video is also f*cking epic. Miley Cyrus is basically dressed up like a literal infant in a diaper and bonnet and doing strange sexual moves, like humping the sides of her crib for a little under five minutes straight.
I’m also pretty sure she takes a bong hit from her feeding bottle.
The part of the song that really resonated with me, however, was one line in the chorus: “Your baby talk is creeping me out. F*ck me so you stop baby talking.”
"Baby talk” might be cute when you’re encouraging your newborn to swallow a mouthful of mushy peas, but when baby talk starts to cross over with pillow talk in an adult relationship, suddenly it ain’t so cute anymore.
Past the age of five, nobody wants to be spoken to like a small child, especially not by someone he or she intends on having sex with.
I can empathize with Miley. I once dated a girl who called me “Daniel Maniel” in that same type of baby voice. Let me tell you, that moniker never really amplified my libido. Just like Miley, the baby voice creeped me out.
Needless to say, my relationship with “the toddler whisperer” came to an end. But I haven't escaped baby voice all together.
That's because there's another form of terrible baby talk that still exists all around me. And that is the "dog voice."
The dog voice is similar to the baby voice in both vocal inflection and overall annoyingness. Dog owners speak to their canine pals using this voice literally all the time. I have no ide why. I’ve had multiple dogs and a few cats, but I never felt inclined to have much conversation with them, in any voice.
Why? BECAUSE PETS CANNOT SPEAK ENGLISH. THEY CANNOT.
Whether you speak in your regular voice or your dog voice, your dog will not understand you. I promise you this. If you think you can prove me wrong, record a video of you and your dog having a conversation in English, and I’ll make sure it gets to "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."
People who love to use the dog voice tell me that "Sparky understands me." But, come on, really? Does he? Then why did he just take a piss in the corner of your kitchen? Guess he wasn’t listening to that part of your conversation.
I’m not trying to downplay the intelligence or intuition of dogs — I believe that dogs can ascertain certain parts of human speech — but I really don’t think they care what voice you choose to speak to them in. If you must speak to your dog about things more complicated than "Sit" or "Stay," your regular voice will suffice.
See, to me, the whole dog voice phenomenon seems a bit patronizing...to the dog. The dog is man's best friend, and I don't speak to my friends like little children.
If I want my dog to get off the bed, I don't get all theatrical about it. I just tell him to "Get the f*ck off the bed" in my normal voice. If I want to tell him "Good boy," the same concept applies.
At least, when you’re around other people, refraining from using the dog voice is the least you could do to be respectful to other the humans in the room. Listening to somebody else have a long, one-way exchange with his or her dog in baby talk has to be atop the list of most awkward things imaginable.
I never know what to do when I walk into a friend's apartment and hear him or her doing the whole dog voice bit. Like, do I chime in with my own dog voice? Do I wait for them to finish? Should I go grab a few extra dog treats my friend, as well?
Look, if you want to talk to your dog in some invented pseudo-infant dog voice behind closed doors, fine. I hope you guys chat up a storm. Just make sure it's not in front of me.