23 Girly Thoughts Every Guy Has Had But Would Never Admit It
Gender stereotypes are ruining the world and it's not just the feminists who have a straw to pick about it. Guys are victims just the same, maybe not the same ways women are, but in other ways. Let me explain.
There's a ton of sh*t that girls get to do (though not the type you're thinking) that just wouldn't work if a guy did it. At least not without tons of social repercussions.
For instance, guys can't go Bath & Body Works or own anything that smells good because both of these things hold a heavy feminine connotation. It sucks.
Guys can't order salads or ask to be the "little spoon" in bed -- it just doesn't happen. Forgive me for hoping my arms would have a few degrees of freedom over the next two hours we're cuddling.
I mean, they'll just be losing circulation under our bodies all night long (and no, I'm not calling you fat), but by all means, get comfortable.
So what are the biggest -- and worst -- things society has deemed to "girly" for men to enjoy? (I'd recommend reading it while sipping an iced coffee, but I figured I'd just quit while I was ahead.)
23. Is the "Girls" premiere this week or next?
Personally, I feel like it would be a lot more troublesome if I were anxiously awaiting a television series called "Boys."
Like, f*ck out of here, at least there's FEMALE nudity. Although, it's Lena Dunham, so, yeah, this is sort of troubling.
22. Yo, I really need to hit Bed, Bath and Beyond for a scented candle; my room smells like blunt-ash and ballsack.
There's a very little grey area for men. Stereotypes assume that either you live your life like a hippie or that you're into men.
I mean, if you're clean -- even in the slightest -- you're a bleep on "gaydars" citywide. It's not fair.
21. "How’s their sangria?"
Oh my God. Ugh, what a selection of fruit. The perfect hue of magenta. This sangria reminds me of Carpe Diem in Barcelona. *Swoon*
20. If this Instagram doesn’t get 100 likes in the next two hours, I’m deleting it.
Men lie, women lie; numbers don't. If you Instagram a picture of you and the president and you've only racked up 27 likes over the past six hours, you're pretty much telling the world you have no friends.
At least, not any friends who actually like you (or care about your social livelihood).
19. That George Clooney, man, he’s a good looking motherf*cker.
Like, you know, in a completely heterosexual way.
18. "I swear I could cry right now."
I dare even the manliest of Jets fans to tell me they didn't at least think about crying after last week's loss.
I mean, if I had 60 minutes to explain what being a Jets fan is like, I'd just replay that game for them.
17. "Is this the volumizing shampoo?"
Because my hair has been looking flat lately.
16. Should I text her back right now or wait a few hours?
I'm not trying to look desperate. I'm just confused, should I just fire back a d*ck pic?
15. "Low key, did you guys see how Jess was dressed last night?"
Girl was not trendy.
14. "Dude, come over here. Selfie."
Selfies are for everyone, right? Right?
13. "I just couldn’t get it up, there wasn’t enough foreplay."
There were drugs, too. There were a lot of drugs involved.
12. "Yo, I need to use the shower first because I take the longest, by far."
Bruh, you take five minutes. I just don't want to feel pressured by you needing to get in the bathroom after me. You know I like to take my time.
11. "Should I get a Pumpkin Spice Latte or nah?"
Does this apply for all pumpkin spice flavored sh*t? Or is it the "latte" part that screams "I love Riesling" and "Blackheads make me self-conscious"?
10. "What do you mean, this froyo spot isn't open 24 hours?"
You mean to tell me there are no girls who want dessert after 11 pm? I find that very hard to believe.
9. "I’ll take a cheesebu – turkey burger."
I'm confused what makes turkey burgers girly and burgers made of anything else, for that matter, non-girly. In one corner, we have mashed up cow meat wedged between two chunks of bread.
In the other corner, we have mashed up turkey meat wedged between two chunks of bread. It's not like turkeys are farm raised on Diet Coke and Taylor Swift.
8. "OMG, when is Ali going to upload last weekend's pictures?"
I desperately need a new profile picture and I'm pretty sure I took "the one" last night. Should I text her about uploading them now, or is that weird?
7. "I need a base tan before Cancun, just so I’m not pale."
Something in between Elliot Mintz and a tangerine would be good. I don't want it to be too obvious. Just so I don't fry, you know?
6. "I always get emotional when I hear Sam Smith. He’s amazing."
What, can't a guy like good music?
5. "Bro, tonight is such a sweatpants chillin’ night."
I don't even have FOMO about not being at Finale tonight. I'm just trying to relax, maybe drink some beer, watch some sports. Damn, you see Mark's Instagram? He looks like he's having mad fun. Ugh, whatever, I don't even care.
4. "Babe, can we just cuddle tonight?"
Cuddling isn't girly as long as it segues into sex at some point. Just like cheese isn't unhealthy as long as you dump it on broccoli.
3. "Can we take another picture? My hand looked awkward in the other."
Yeah, and can you stand a little farther back this time, too? You're like up our nose. And, yeah, snap off like 10 if you can. I'll pick the best one.
2. "Yo dude, come to the bathroom with me."
When a guy goes to the bathroom accompanied by his friends, it's called suspicious.
When a guy goes through eight seasons of television accompanied by his friends, however, it's called "Entourage" – and everybody watches it on Sunday nights.
1. I wish I could use the word "quiche."
Come on. The word is amazing. Girls shouldn't be the only ones who can use a flaky, cheesy dinner pastry as a term to describe something awesome. We all should share the pleasures of that.
Photo Courtesy: Evan Geiselman