Incidentally, the same day I woke from my first ever dream featuring Donald Trump (no, nothing salacious), I received an email from a popular dating app titled, “Donald Trump.” How serendipitous!
Hours before in dreamland, I had been shouting at him across an agora in Ancient Greece, while he poured wine for my friends (dreams are weird).
Now here he was, popping up in my inbox.
I immediately opened the message, which read, “12 Donalds More Dateable Than Trump.”
I clicked to open a series of photos of eligible bachelors named “Donald,” juxtaposed with photos of my REM sleep guest star in various states of smugness and coif disarray.
Once I got over the fact that I recognized one of the bachelor Donalds, I suddenly had a feeling that can only be described as, “da fuq?”
The email was very clearly tongue-in-cheek, but Trump as a dating standard?
However, just in case there was some poor lad out there who missed the irony of this email, I decided to take it upon myself to articulate 12 reasons why Donald Trump is undateable:
1. He’s unavailable.
First thing's first: Trump’s taken.
With that mane, he’s married to a model.
Caveat: He’s had three weddings so far, so who’s to say there won’t be a fourth?
2. He has other priorities right now.
He's a real estate mogul, reality TV host, namesake of a (now defunct) Macy's menswear line and a man who has no prior political experience.
Mr. Donald J. Trump is actually out on the campaign trail right now, running to be president of the United States of America.
He ain’t got time for you.
3. He has no chill.
Remember that time Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham’s cell phone number to the whole country?
What makes you think he won’t 4chan the sexy pics you share on the campaign trail when you break up?
4. He’s not going to take you out for Mexican.
Everyone loves some date-night margaritas.
Unfortunately, Trumpy continues to believe Mexicans are rapists and drug dealers.
Kiss your chips and guac goodbye.
5. He’s not entirely sure what to call female genitalia.
Remember that time he essentially referred to Megyn Kelly's vagina as her “wherever?"
Can’t imagine that translates well in the bedroom.
6. Your friends aren't going to like him.
Assuming all your friends are as chill as Jennifer Lawrence.
J. Law believes Trump as president would be “the end of the world.”
It's basic logic. (Also, it's f*cking Katniss.)
7. He doesn't have the most sophisticated taste.
His favorite book is the Bible. He also seems to like the band REM (until they told him to go f*ck himself).
I love some REM, and the Bible is chill, but our current President did Marc Maron's podcast, and knew about Lin Manuel Miranda way before Hamilton cost you your first-born.
So Don, can you just get with the times a bit?
8. He’s not going to defend you.
I'm all for ladies defending themselves, but a man who consistently uses insults like "dummy" and "total losers" (#deadspin) is just not going to be your most articulate or courageous ally in times of need.
It's not second grade, bro.
9. He's definitely not going to forgive that extra chub you accumulate between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Despite his worse-than-Dad-bod physique, Trump loves hating on “fat pigs” and “dogs,” aka women.
It’s not just Rosie. It’s Heidi Klum, too.
10. He has a terrible sense of humor.
He once joked about dating his daughter.
11. He’s simply not going to treat you with respect.
Unless you're a man.
12. That hair.
Donald thinks Carly Fiorina’s face makes her unfit to be president, so I have to bring up his ‘do.
If there are Instagram memes and accounts dedicated to comparing your hair to things like corn cobs and trolls, I don’t really feel like you should be anyone’s boyfriend.
Or husband. Or president.