Have you ever tried to do something sexy and FAILED?
Yeah, I know. Some horrifying scene just popped up in your head of a time you sucked on your finger in front of your boyfriend and ended up getting laughed at, or a time you tried to get creative in bed and ended up kicking your girlfriend in the face. You thought you'd repressed that memory forever, huh? I'm sorry for bringing it up. Especially so close to Valentine's Day, when you're probably preparing to have lots of steamy sex with the person you're dating right now.
But listen. You're not alone. Everyone you know who has ever tried to do something sexy has either been made to feel like an idiot for it or accidentally did something weird or gross instead. Even the hottest, most sexually adept people you know f*ck up in the bedroom. It's a rite of passage as a sexually active person to royally embarrass yourself when trying to turn someone else on.
For example: One time I was having sex with my ex and he put my feet on his shoulders to intensify the feeling for me. He started REALLY going at it -- when he suddenly slipped out of my vagina and jammed his dick right into my ass. Like, full-speed. Never have I ever felt such sharp, body-numbing pain. My assh*le bled for two days straight.
Here are 12 other people who have also failed to be sexy.
OK. I have two stories.
One time, I texted my f*ck buddy with the intention of saying, "I think I'm due for one of your world-famous massages." What I sent instead was, "I think I'm due for one of your world-famous messages." First one is sexy. Second one is clingy.
Another time, I was in bed with a guy and I threw on my one-piece lingerie bodysuit thing. It's a thong, so it goes up your butt. I went onto the bed on all fours and asked him to rip it off me, and he was waaaay hard so he went in for the kill. But the piece was a tad too small and the thong part got STUCK -- yes, stuck -- up my butt. Legitimately. It took us about 20 minutes to realize we had to cut it to get it off of me, so that's what we did.
He wasn't hard anymore.
Sheena, 25 Back in high school, I went out to lunch at a local place with a few of my friends. We thought the server was really cute, so I jokingly went to swirl my straw around with my tongue all sexually. Instead, I ended up accidentally jamming the straw up my nose instead. #Hot
Gillian, 23 This guy I had just started seeing told me to try and turn him on. I was trying to get him in the mood and in the least sexy way possible, I shoved his finger in my mouth and sucked on it. He started cracking up, and I became so sexually mortified.
-- Theresa, 20
I was drunk at a bar, and I thought I was being hot by saying "Meet me on the dance floor," but he never came.
-- Danica, 24
My story was actually in the middle of "sexy time" and because of it, I will never have sex in the dark ever again.
I was on top and all was well and good. I wanted to switch positions, so I tried to be creative and told her to wrap her arms around my neck. I *attempted* to pick her up and lay on my back while staying engaged and switching into her on top.
Started fine, until her hands slipped midway through the maneuver and then jabbed me in the eye with her index finger when landing. Didn't even see it coming. My vision went from pitch black to bright white and back. Safe to say it was an instant boner kill.
-- Tommy, 26
While in bed with my ex-boyfriend, I tried to be all sexy by masturbating in front of him, porn-star style. I was getting super into it, and so was he. Finally, I was reaching the brink of orgasm. I let myself release my orgasm ... but then I started farting at the same time. It was a f*cking fartgasm.
He burst out laughing, and I just sat there in radio silence, pretending like nothing was wrong. He was like, "You can at least pretend to be embarrassed." I said, "Nope, nope, I'm fine. It's fine."
Let me just say: It was not fine. Never have I ever wanted to kill myself more.
-- Hailey*, 22
One time, I was cooking dinner for a girl I had been seeing. She sat in the kitchen and talked/drank wine with me while I cooked. I was making a spicy chicken dish and was touching different spices.
After I put the food in the oven, we started flirting and kissing, which lead to having sex on the counter. She stuck my finger in her mouth at one point and apparently the spice overtook her mouth. Brought things to a sudden -- and awkward -- stop.
-- Ben*, 28
I was trying to dirty-talk my boyfriend in bed, but I'm terrible at that, so I said, "I like you, Mr. Jones*" (*last name changed). He burst out laughing at me and I was so embarrassed.
-- Karen*, 23
Well, I was at the movie theater in Queens with my friend, and I saw this cute Spanish thang sitting in the corner. I tried to muster up the courage to say something to her, but I didn't know that I hadn't shaved.
I walked over to her and uttered the words "Como estas" to her. She told me to go f*ck myself and shave my face. She also told me that all dogs go to heaven. Except for me.
-- Joe*, 25
Well besides throwing up on a dick while giving a blow job, one time I also fell asleep when my girlfriend was going down on me.
Zara, 29 I tried to slow-dance with my girlfriend in her apartment once and she stepped on my foot hard enough to make it feel like it was broken and when I recoiled she head-butted me in the nose and I started bleeding all over her apartment.
-- Connor, 25
*Name has been changed.