I can't say I've ever been that into bongs. I typically prefer blunts to bongs, vapes to blunts and special gingersnaps to vapes. I guess my opinion of bongs is kind of like my fantasy of dating a trapeze artist: I've always been more in love with the idea of a bong than the bong itself.
It sucks because ripping a bong looks so cool, and you're getting a hard-hitting, instant high. Unfortunately for me, bongs have always been too big, too harsh and too difficult to clean. Make whatever corny fellatio jokes you want -- that's just my experience.
But I've got to say, Piece Water may make a bong-liever out of me yet (haven't really worked out the kinks on that joke).
Here's the lowdown on Piece Water.
It's a bong water replacement, so you use it in place of regular old tap water -- and ice, if you're fancy. It's supposed to keep your piece cleaner for longer than regular water.
A non-toxic blend of mineral, vegetable and fruit extracts, Piece Water works by "encouraging more numerous molecule-to-molecule interactions." Because it's more viscous than water, it "entraps the smoke by-products and stops resin from forming."
If that sounds like crazy hipster talk, here's a cool graphic that explains it.
To be perfectly honest, I was a bit skeptical. How could some “all natural” substance that smells like public pool water prevent my bong from gunking up like a subway station bathroom?
Still, I was down to try it if it meant not having to clean my bong. Have you ever tried to clean a bong? I mean, really clean a bong? It's a lot of f*cking work for anyone, let alone couch-locked stoners.
Get your goggles on, nerds.
Setting my reservations aside, I got to work. I wanted to go about this product review like a legit science experiment. I was going to first use regular tap water and record how many rips resulted in increasing levels of buildup before performing the same test with the Piece Water.
I had planned to use pie charts, bar graphs, line graphs, other dope graphs -- even standard deviations!
After four bong rips, though, I was more concerned about what snacks I was going to wolf down than keeping a tally of my puffs. My boyfriend, Mike, got in on the action as well, adding to our cumulative rip count.
"How many do you think that was?" I asked him after we'd cashed a couple bowls.
After five minutes of staring blankly at an old sweet potato, he turned to me and said, "What?"
To give you a point of reference, our clean bong with fresh Piece Water looked crystal clear like this.
After maybe 10 bong rips, it looked exactly the same. It seemed like we were buckling up for a long ride, so we placed bets.
Piece Water recommends switching out your bong water every 40 or so rips. Mike estimated it'd take about 50 rips before our bong got dirty. I guessed it'd take approximately 1,543, but that's probably because I was feeling paranoid at the time.
Fast forward two weeks later, after more rips and empty bags of chips than I can count, still, our bong looked clear.
We were working hard, too. For the sake of science, I made sure I hit it at least once a night. We smoked all the dispensary weed we had and switched to a quad Mike scored from our neighbor after helping him move a giant succulent arrangement (#SoLA, I know).
We smoked all of that, and still, our bong looks pretty f*cking clean.
Bleary-eyed and stoney, I was almost disappointed I couldn't get my bong dirty, as if it was some failing of mine. Some 100 bong rips later, I decided to throw in the towel and write this damn product review.
My Final Toke
It works. One hundred percent, no doubt about it, Piece Water will keep your bong squeaky clean for much longer than regular tap water.
If I had the lung capacity, I'd expand my experiment to include sparkling, holy and cucumber-infused spa water, but there are only so many bong rips a person can take.
Also, I should mention Piece Water has completely changed my feelings on the bong itself. After a long work day, loading up a bong is way easier than rolling a joint. I downsized from a monster bong to one of the smallest models you can buy, too, which I think saved my throat and my brain.
As I like to say, the more you know, the more you'll smoke. When lighting up is this easy and carefree, why not?