Politicians are always making promises.
At every level of government, legislators have sold lofty resolutions in exchange for votes.
These sometimes power-hungry buffoons promise, once in office, they will do better and remain hungrier than the buffoon who held office before them. Sometimes they keep their promises. Other times, the baby-kissers drop the ball.
Such was the case when my high-school student body president, Michael, promised to secure an off-campus lunch hour for seniors. He never delivered. (Still holding a grudge, Michael! No, I will not accept your f*cking invitation to join LinkedIn.)
When Hunter S. Thompson ran for Sheriff of Pitkin County, Colorado, in 1969, he pledged to tear up the asphalt streets of Aspen and replace them with sod grass.
In 2008, Dennis Kucinich boldly promised to arrest acclaimed artist and former president George W. Bush. With the 2016 US presidential election growing ever nearer, expect to field many unlikely promises in the coming months.
On Monday, a 2016 hopeful candidate released the first fully endorsed video from his campaign thus far. In the ad, he promises to “Cut the head off of ISIS. And take their oil.”
And though it has yet to be turned into a poorly edited video and posted to YouTube, other candidates in this year's spectacle have been relatively open about making promises pertaining to weed.
One such hopeful has even detailed a vision that includes the possibility of cannabis undergoing a federal re-scheduling.
Sure, politicians have a lot to say about weed, but, what would weed have to say about politics, if weed could talk and run for office?
Who would a potent purple nug offend at Thanksgiving dinner with its views on the issues—your racist uncle who spends too much time on Facebook or your vegan cousin who spends too much time in Brooklyn?
More importantly: If pot not only became legal, but also decided to run for public office, what kind of promises would it make to get there?
To Create Jobs
Taking cues from O.G. president Franklin D. Roosevelt's “New Deal,” weed is all about putting America to work.
The Green Machine promises that if elected, it will create jobs for farmers, marketers, distributors, scientists, HR personnels, government agencies, journalists, tech innovators, financial services professionals, virtually every sector of the food service industry, retailers and wholesalers, to name a few.
Actually, weed doesn't even really have to be elected for that to happen, just rescheduled, or legalized for recreational use. The change is actually already happening. Way to go, weed!
To Build a Wall
Well, technically the canna-candidate would promise to build four of them, and also a roof. Because weed would totally pledge to build a public and totally f*cking rad fort on the National Mall.
While the politically charged herb hasn't specified whether the structure will take the form of a treehouse, an igloo, or perhaps an underground bunker—weed intends for the yet-to-be-constructed monument/fort to be used by and celebrated collectively by America's cannabis community as a national smoke spot.
To Direct More Funding to Cancer Research
And be an active member in the fight against the deadly disease, or at the very least make the lives of those who suffer from it, a bit more enjoyable, if only for a few stoned hours at a time.
To Work Closely With Our Allies, and Repair Relationships with our Enemies
Weed has a way of breaking down barriers. The herb oftentimes serves as common ground among diverse peoples. In the name of diplomacy, weed promises that if elected, it will be smoked, dabbed, eaten, and wholeheartedly enjoyed with foreign dignitaries, ally nations, and even countries that we don't really get along with.
Weed said it looked forward to working with musicians, artists, and creative thinkers to come up with ways to spread peace around the world. And to always be passed to the left, but also the right.
To Make the Next Season of "The Big Bang Theory" Enjoyable
Every politician needs to make one promise they can't keep.