Sometimes, I like to stand in the pantry and stare at my roommates’ food.
But, I’m no thief. I don’t steal their food. I just watch it, which is actually somehow worse.
During these late nights of staring — this is a dark, early morning kind of thing — the labels don’t seem to tell the whole story.
Yes, they describe the product, but they don’t address the type of people who buy it.
Below is a collection of what food labels would look like if companies were completely honest with us.
“Perfect for Snacking!”
You'll eat this all in one sitting and silently mourn to yourself, "I guess that was dinner.”
You’re a great person, and we get that. But, your friends don’t. Not yet. Not until you buy this product.
For best results, save and frame the packaging to display in your foyer to showcase your empathy.
“Made in a factory that processes peanuts and tree nuts.”
We honestly have no idea what is going on in this factory. We store Skinny Cow ice cream next to mounds of unbagged Fancy Feast.
There could literally be anything in any product at any given time.
What? What does the label say? Peanuts and tree nuts? Oh, there’s definitely more than that in here.
But, cat food isn’t an allergen, so we’re not legally required to identify it. We would tell you more, but we’re running out of labe—
There is cancer in this. This is made of cancer. But, at zero-calories per can, you’ll get fat if you don’t drink it.
“100% Fat Free.”
Well, it’s maple syrup, so you really shouldn’t have expected otherwise. But, at least you’re trying.
“Stay fuller longer!”
You’ve bought some type of granola bar thing, and now you’re wondering why you’re hungry all the time.
We didn’t lie to you; you just didn’t realize that "longer" is a relative term.
“Take the challenge!”
You’re attempting to lose weight by only eating Special K, so, as Special K, we wholeheartedly endorse.
We don’t know what it is, either, but you’re not getting enough Greek in your life.
Omega-1 is a marketing scam, and Omega-2 is just two Omega-1s; but trust us, Omega-3 works.
“A Good Source of Protein.”
Yeah, there’s protein in this. There's about as much protein in this as there is gold in the Alaskan Hills.
But, that won’t stop Discovery from making a show about bearded men having their bearded dreams crushed by the realization that 21st Century Alaska is not 19th Century California.
It's perfect for those with Celiac disease or puritanical self-restraint, whose tombstones will read, “Fun is for quitters.”
We ran so f*cking far to catch these chickens. "Let 'em roam," they said. "We'll find the eggs," they said. Look, pal, one of our Sherpas died during the journey, so that’d better be the best goddamned frittata you’ve ever photographed.
If it gets under 50 likes, you’re a murderer.