I Watched Porn With 100 Strangers This Weekend And It Was Terrible

SPOILER ALERT: Do not read if you have not seen “50 Shades of Grey.”

No, I didn’t invite 100 people over to my house and log on to Brazzers. Rather, I fulfilled the dream every mother has for her son on Valentine’s Day: I went and saw "50 Shades of Grey."

Although the film dominated (LOL) the box office this weekend, there were a few general factors that drove me nuts:

Anastasia’s Terrible Roommate

Anastasia’s roommate is terrible, maybe the worst. What person gets a cold and sends her roommate 100 miles to the next city to do her work -- not to mention, what friend goes to work for someone else?

If my friend were sick, I’ll go three miles max to CVS to get some cough drops; forget running errands for you in another state. Get a flu shot next time.

Her roommate also doesn’t seem to mind much that her friend is disappearing on helicopters with a billionaire for days on end and coming back with new outfits, new cars and a missing hymen.

Anastasia’s Appearance

My dead grandmother called; she wants all her outfits back. I get it: You’re “frumpy,” disheveled and you have all the qualities of a lost girl transitioning back from bangs.

But, I mean, c’mon, when Christian has his driver go fetch you some clothes in the morning and they look better than anything you've worn thus far in the entire movie, you have a problem.

Also, Anastasia’s pubic hair?? We understand she's supposed to be the stereotypical virgin who knows nothing about Brazilian waxes, but that bush could have its own Herbal Essences commercial.

Anastasia’s Job

Remember when she put a label on a paint can? Or, when Christian came into the store and complimented her ability to gather rope? Yeah, that was all embarrassing.

Regardless, I understand she leaves her job later in the movie, but how did her and her roommate possibly make enough money to afford a trendy loft in downtown Seattle? Do hardware stores pay that well?

Dialogue

One of my favorite lines -- “I don’t make love, I f*ck” -- Christian uttered early on in the movie? Yes, your mom heard it, too.

The conversation in this movie is so terrible that halfway through, my penis detached from my body and walked out of the theater. Then, when Anastasia is about to see Christian’s “playroom,” she asks, “So, is this where you keep your Xbox?”

LOL, girl, if only... We were praying for you and your bangs in this moment.

The Contract

Christian tries to make Anastasia sign a contract before they have sex in his underground bomb shelter filled with torture, and she never does. She goes over it and over it throughout the movie (she graduated from college, shouldn’t be that hard to read a document), but she never signs it.

He says they won’t do anything until she signs it, but cut to five minutes later, and someone is swinging through the air, like a Cirque du Soleil performer.

Christian also offers Anastasia her own sleeping quarters because he’s incapable of sharing a bed, but not incapable of hitting her with a belt multiple times. Anyway, he offers her the freedom to decorate her room however she pleases.

The Sex

Besides the fact that Christian takes Anastasia’s virginity (and her ability to understand what a healthy relationship is), they don’t leave much else out in terms of degrading women.

One thing I did notice was Christian’s use of condoms throughout the film; they seemed to make a very prominent point of showing him ripping open condoms with his teeth. I’m glad he’s worried about safe sex when he’s got more rigs and operations than Six Flags in a small room of his apartment.

Side note to the terrifying sex acts: This movie should also get an endorsement from Chapstick – lots of close-up shots of lips, biting lips, moving lips, etc., and everyone’s looked pretty well-moisturized.

Miscellaneous

Just a couple other things I need to get off my chest (and, I’m not talking about the burn marks on Christian’s from his crack mother, a story he tells Anastasia when she's COMPLETELY asleep):

The Audi endorsement: Christian owns several Audi vehicles and also gifts one to Anastasia. I hope Audi makes a statement saying, “Please remove all blindfolds, handcuffs, and physically and mentally controlling boyfriends before driving our cars.”

Christian's omnipresence: Another fun moment was when José (Anastasia’s friend, who is in love with her, but she’s not interested) approaches her outside the bar and tries to kiss her, but she rejects him (because, ew, you’re poor). Christian comes to the rescue and pushes him out of the way.

Did anyone else notice Christian’s ability to be everywhere, all the time? Was that weird? The hardware store, the club, her apartment, GEORGIA?? If this guy were ugly, this movie would be about a girl who has a stalker who violates his restraining order.

Helicopter time lapse: Remember when he took her to Seattle in the helicopter and then when she wanted to go home, he drove? Couldn't they just take the 15-minute helicopter ride? Why sit in the car all day?

Christian’s damaged past: Well no sh*t, from the way he acts, it wouldn't be surprising if evil raised him. Why does no one question that he is 27 and a billionaire? What does Grey Enterprises do besides employee hot women to walk around the office?

The piano: It’s so great Christian plays piano; I mean, what could be creepier than hearing a piano play after being bound in handcuffs and treated like a prisoner of war?

Bottom line: Would I recommend this movie to anyone? Are you kidding?