Here's The Ultimate Itinerary For Conquering Lollapalooza

You going to Lollapalooza this weekend? Good. Sit down and shut up. I'm about to school you in how to do this festival up RIGHT.

Let's be real, music festivals are a war of attrition. It's survival of the fittest out there, and if you don't thoroughly prepare, you're likely going to die. Flat out die.

Your life will end, and there will be a funeral for you. Everyone will cry, as is the norm when the musical festival gods send another concert-going sheep to the Vitamin Water-sponsored slaughter house.

Am I exaggerating? I don't know, AM I?!?! *I throw a smoke bomb at the ground and ride away on a gold phoenix.*

The key is preparation. Going to a music festival without a semi-structured plan of attack would be like showing up to climb Mount Everest with a teaspoon of water and cargo shorts.

Taking 10 minutes to sit down with a schedule and map the day before the event will save you time, money and potentially watching some B-level Swedish EDM-Jazz for 40 minutes before realizing you're at the wrong stage to catch actual bands you care about.

If for some reason you don't even want to do that, you lazy sack of Chipotle sharts, we've made things easy for you.

Below are our quick picks for a simple and fulfilling Lollapalooza trip. Three bands to watch and three places to eat. Quick. Simple. In and out. Bing, bang, boom. Festival done.

Watch: Modern Baseball

This is my indie pick. I have loved these guys for years, and it's about time you start loving them, too.

Eat: Lou Malnati's Pizza

You're in Chicago. This is pizza. Do the math.

Watch: Tory Lanez

He's got the song of the summer, that is unquestionable. You'd be a stupid idiot dummy to not throw your body at this.

Eat: Momofuku Milk Bar

If I could eat one thing for the rest of my life it would be this birthday cake. Do yourself a flavor favor and make Momofuku a stop.

Watch: Third Eye Blind

#TBT yourself to death by checking out 3EB.

Eat: Wow Bao

The fact I'm not currently eating everything on this Instagram is a miserable reality. Get yo' hands on deez bunz.

NOW GO GET PALOOZAING!