Pokémon Go

I Tried To Get With Professor Willow On Pokémon Go And Here's What Happened

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Pokémon Go launched last week, and has already become a staple for PokéMasters who don't mind stumbling into the middle of the street and risking life and limb to add Meowth to their collection.

For the boy crazy slut monsters among us, though, Pokémon Go offers more than just digital sport.

Upon signing up for the app, users are greeted by this pipin' hot slice of manberry pie.

Pokémon Go

Oh... HEY.

He exists in the Pokémon Go universe to guide us to either catch Pokémon or achieve contact-free climax, I guess.

Pokémon Go

I wanna find every corner of HIS earth.*

Pokémon Go

*cartoon butt

He looks like Jeremy Irons and Harry Styles had a love child, and then raised it to dominate triathlons.

Pokémon Go

I've spent my whole morning studying his strong, masculine jawline.

Pokémon Go

We both like to study. Looks like we have some stuff in common.

Do you want to come over, or... ?

FUCKING. YES. I. THOUGHT. HE'D. NEVER. ASK.

Pokémon Go

"I was just looking for someone like you."

Pokémon Go

BRB. My vagina just exploded.

I'm a VERY hard worker. And yes, that is sexual innuendo. When can I touch his forearms?

Pokémon Go

OH MY SWEET LORD. HE'S GOING TO DRESS ME???

Pokémon Go

In that case, I choose whatever Miley wore in the music video for "Wrecking Ball."

Seriously? These are my options?

Pokémon Go

How am I supposed to get thoroughly effed by an animated sex Jesus with hair like a moody grey sunflower if I'm wearing a baseball cap?

If this is the best I can do, I'll have to seduce him with my talent for Pokémon Go-ing.

Pokémon Go

TBH, it's now or never.

Pokémon Go

ON IT, BABE!

I'm playing it so cool, it's almost like I didn't even notice he said "balls."

Pokémon Go

GET IN THIS BALL, YOU LITTLE COCK BLOCK.

Pokémon Go

(Please note that I work across from fellow shameless slut monster Eitan Levine, who not only messaged me a selfie from a melancholy porn star's Twitter account, but also keeps an unused BJ machine under his desk at all times: just in case.)

GOTCHA, MY TINY SEXUAL BARTERING TOOL!

Pokémon Go

I am going to knock Professor Willow straight out of his... Crocs?

Are those Crocs? Whatever, it's fine. I'm still down.

Now that the Pokémon catching is all done, maybe we should – I don't know – get a drink?

Pokémon Go

OMG, he wants to know my name. HE IS OBSESSED WITH ME.

Pokémon Go

This is my chance to clarify my general situation, re: availability 4 fuckin'.

Pokémon Go

YES, I'M SURE. JUST LOCK IT IN.

Pokémon Go

Oh, really? There appears to be competition for more than just Pokémon in this digital thirst village.

Pokémon Go

Guess I'll have to be even more direct.

Pokémon Go

YES. I SAID YES. JUST DO IT, ALREADY.

Pokémon Go

HE'S INTO IT. HE. IS. INTO. IT.

Pokémon Go

It's on. It's happening. I want to thank my friends for always encouraging me to follow through on half-baked, typically regrettable sexual schemes.

I want to thank my employers here at Elite Daily. I don't know exactly what I do at this company, but if it somehow involves getting cartoon HPV from a guy so sexy no one even cares that he carries a yoga mat on his back everywhere he goes, I truly could not have asked for a better career.

All right, well. Wish me luck! Ahh!!!

Wait, where'd he go?

Pokémon GO

Well, shit.