Desi's the worst.
Truly the worst.
There are no words for how The Worst he actually is.
This week's episode of “Girls” takes us on the road for the second time in two episodes, except Hannah's trip to Poughkeepsie with secret lovers Marnie and Desi is a Kubrickian nightmare compared to her polyamorous sex romp on the beaches of Montauk.
In “Hostage Situation,” the terrors of Poughkeepsie bring Hannah and Marnie back together in what feels like the realest, most complete way since the beginning of the series.
On the other hand, the social strains of young, professional New York City finally tear Shoshanna and Jessa apart in a way that, shockingly, didn't happen much sooner.
Hannah joins Marnie and Desi for a weekend away, so Ray will not suspect he's being ruthlessly cuckolded. As the estranged — and now reunited — couple argues in the streets of Poughkeepsie, Hannah dips into an antique store where she meets the owner, Marlowe (played to enviable perfection by Joy Bryant).
Marlowe spins a yarn about working in the world of New York fashion for years before falling on the third rail of the subway, miraculously surviving and being pulled to safety by “'Law & Order's' own" Chris Noth.
The magical interaction culminates with Marlowe gifting Hannah an adorable tea set that is later smashed to pieces in Desi's oxy rage.
Oh, that's right. Desi is a big-time narcotics junkie, toting loose oxycontin pills in the mason jar he keeps in his empty briefcase the way a child spy might carry a single pair of binoculars or a PB&J.
Desi has been a sentient mood-swing for almost his entire existence on the show, so it's a little unclear whether this moment is his character's intentional, destined conclusion or a retroactive attempt to explain the monster he's been all along.
Marnie's second discovery that a man she loves is a secret heroine addict goes about as well as can be expected. She smashes his pill jar to “stomp them out,” as he snorts glass and powder off the cabin floor.
When Marnie and Hannah successfully lock him out of the house, Desi punches through a window before losing steam and passing out in the yard.
Meanwhile, Shoshanna's new job as a junior executive at Silverhorn ("New York's hippest branding agency") has given her the confidence to reconnect with old college friends who, through founding athletic denim line Jamba Jeans, have achieved the kind of success Shoshanna envisioned herself having by now.
Old pals Rachel and Zeva's latest venture, WeMun, connects professional women for the purposes of networking and, duh, "synergy" for the outrageous membership cost of just $2,000 per year.
Shosh brings along Elijah, pretending he's her assistant, but Jessa also insists on inserting herself into the outing.
At the WeMun mixer, impeccably dressed women mingle to the sound of Sara Bareilles' "Chasing the Sun," and Shoshanna gets a glimpse of the way her life might have looked had Jessa never blown into town with her fake pregnancy and wide-brimmed hats.
The crowd, especially Rachel and Zeva, shares Shoshanna's corny vibe and general lack of self-awareness (Rachel tells the room, "Also, for those of you asking on our Facebook whether our group is open to trans women, the answer is… we don't know, OK?"), but maintain a level of prestige through their accomplishments.
It's Jessa who best sums up this dichotomy, telling Shosh,
I can't believe you ever hung out with those girls. They're awful. They're like Khloé Kardashian and Bethenny Frankel... if those women weren't amazing and total revolutionaries.
Rachel and Zeva refuse to let Shoshanna back into their lives, after being ditched last-minute for Jessa years ago. Being forced to split their spring break hotel room "two ways instead of three ways" is something neither of the Jamba Jeans moguls are ready to forget, though they wish Shoshanna the best.
Back in Poughkeepsie, Marnie weeps on the floor of her upstate adultery shanty, wondering when everything went awry. Hannah reminds her,
It can be pretty hard to have observations about other people when you're only thinking about yourself. I would know.
Hannah's decision to punctuate her criticism of Marnie with a similar criticism of herself is the missing piece to their past arguments, which tended to be all judgement and no empathy.
The pair agree to remain friends forever, especially "after putting up with all this bullshit," and lug Desi's limp body to the car.
On the street outside the WeMun mixer, Shoshanna and Elijah turn their backs on Jessa. In full, melodramatic, "Degrassi" fashion, Shosh tells Jessa she "ruined [her] life" and advises her to "GET OUT OF MY FACE" while smashing her cousin's stolen hors d'oeuvres in her hand.
The spell Jessa cast on Shosh in the series' pilot -- when Shosh tells her she's "so fucking classy" for not being on Facebook -- is finally broken.
Whether Shoshanna will continue to blame Jessa for her setbacks, rather than taking responsibility and moving forward, however, remains to be seen.
And now, a brief moment of silence for Elijah's "I Survived The 3rd Season Of Ally McBeal" shirt.
Shoshanna: Hi Grandma! Hi! Happy Birthday! 97! That is a big one, and, um, you really did it. You're still under 100 pounds, so kudos! Jessa: And I hope there's no elder abuse at the, um, at the home that you're in. And I hope that you're using protection for the sex. Anyway, we miss you. I love you. Shoshanna: We love you! Jessa: And bye! Shoshanna: Happy Birthday! *closes computer* Jessa: That was great. That was good. Shoshanna: Um, I don't think I'm gonna send that. That was super depressing and totally inappropriate.
Jessa: Professional women are my exact crowd. Just tell me the address and whether I should wear shoulder pads or not.
Marnie: Hannah, if you were gonna be such a bitch, why did you even come? Hannah: Oh, I don't know, because I was trying to protect you and your house of lies, you fucking morons.
Hannah: By the way that's my best friend. She's stuck in this, like, psychosexual hamster wheel with this total fucknugget.
Elijah: We can't all be perfect, OK? Everyone has their own path. We can't all be Justin Trudeau. Shoshanna: Wait, you mean Justin Theroux, right?
Hannah: You are SO bad at knowing when people are high. Do you remember that time I drank sizzurp and you thought I had 'senioritis'?
Hannah: [Desi] looks like someone in the Pacific Northwest, like, knit a man.