I Went On The Ultimate Quest To Get Women's Numbers Using Pokémon Go
You're on Tinder? Pfft, that's cute. If you REALLY want to get women's numbers, you may want to join me on Pokémon Go. BRB, Scythering into some DMs.
For the past few days, America has been obsessed with being the very best, like no one ever was. It's led to stories of armed robberies, bodies being found in rivers, a personal trip to the 9/11 Memorial and a billion other unique incidents all spurring from the global attempt at catching as many Pokémon as possible.
Think back to the last time you met someone who WASN'T on the app. Can you think of anyone? I can't! My life forever will be cut into two VERY distinctive time periods: B.P.G. (Before Pokémon Go) and A.P.G. (After Pokémon Go).
Yup, this game is on par with Jesus as far as I'm concerned.
There has never been an app like it, and as is human nature, earlier this afternoon, I decided to exploit that fact to try to meet women.
OHHHHHH! SO SUE ME! ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE BETTER THAN GOING TO A PARK IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORKDAY, SPRAYING POKÉ-INCENSE TO ATTRACT POKÉMON TO YOUR AREA AND THEN WAITING FOR WOMEN TO COME BY SO YOU CAN TALK TO THEM?!?!?!
In case you didn't get it from me yelling that last part at you, I went to a park by my office in the middle of the workday, sprayed some Pokémon incense in that park to attract some Pokémon to the area and then waited for some women to come to my area trying to catch some 'mon.
Not too different than how those fishermen on "Deadliest Catch" trap opilio crabs now that I'm thinking about it...
Anyway, I made a promise to myself to talk to three of these women in an attempt to get some lady digits.
Here are my stories. *“Law & Order" bum bum sound*
Attempt #1: The Rusty Krabby
The first thing I noticed was I am comically out of practice when it comes to picking up women, not that I was knocking it out of the lady-ballpark at any point to begin with. (The fact I was Pokémon questing at 1:45 on a weekday afternoon should be a clear indication of that.)
I am a lot of things, but I think literally everyone who has ever met me can attest to the fact “SUPAH SMOOOVE LADY TALKER” is not one of them.
Luckily, dating apps have made it easy for social trainwrecks like me to start conversations with women, so I don't think I'm going to be Darwin'd off the gene pool any time soon. It's just going to take advances in mobile technology to ensure that doesn't happen.
Add that on to the fact I haven't approached a woman during daylight hours in like two years, and it's easy to see why the first interaction was a disaster. I rambled through most of it and then when I ran out of Pokémon things to talk about, I essentially just blurted out,
COOL COOL, CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER?
Rightfully, she was super taken aback and deflected by simply saying, "I mean, I'll give YOU my number," while pointing to my camera lady, Kylah.
OK, 0-1, but that wasn't really my fault. I'm going to chalk this loss up to genetics and technically only count it as one-half of a defeat, kind of like being a half-game back in baseball or something. (OH! In addition to being a 27-year-old who plays Pokémon during work hours, I'm also a massive baseball fan. GET AT ME, LADAYZ!)
Attempt #2: Less Pins And Weedles
I made some surprising progress in this attempt. I was noticeably calmer and, somehow, I'd shaken off a bunch of the lady-talking rust I was caked in during that first exchange.
Thinking back on it, a lot of it had to do with the fact she looks like that blonde woman from “Halt And Catch Fire,” who was also in “The Martian.” (Shut up, you know who I'm talking about).
Something about talking to people who look like TV characters has always put me at ease. Also, she is a paralegal and my dad is a lawyer, which made it easier to connect with her.
For those keeping track at home: I can't talk to women unless they remind me of fictional characters and have something in common with my dad. Any psychiatrist would have a field day with me -- like the Board of Health in the Times Square McDonald's.
We lightly bantered about Pokémon and where to catch the best ones. Her name was Camille, and she said she caught a Ponyta in the park the other day, and I fell in love. She also made the point she set up a lure by her desk in order to draw Pokémon in, and I fell in double love.
After a few more minutes, I asked her for her number, and she said, "Yes!"... before asking me why I wanted it. I told her I was asking for it so I could text her, to which she responded,
I don't think my boyfriend would be OK with that.
OK, so, 0-1.5.
Well, at least I tried. Unlike a parking ticket, you can't fight the laws of love. She had a boyfriend, which again shouldn't totally count as a strike against me, right? RIGHT? I'm going to give myself another half-point loss on this.
Attempt #3: Perfect Exeggcution
Third time's the Charmander, as it turns out.
Guys, I killed it. It was like watching mothatruckin' Babe Ruth step up to the plate. Bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, full count, you KNOW poppa is swinging for the fences, and you KNOW he's knockin' that bad boy outta the DANG stadium.
I approached a group of three people -- a Dugtrio, if we're using Pokémon Go lingo -- from behind and asked if they were playing Pokémon. They were, and we instantly gelled.
Obviously the conversation started with where the best Pokéstops are, but eventually we got down to figuring out specifics on evolving Pokémon. I subconsciously started focusing most of my attention on one of the three of them, a woman named Katie, and found out she is some sort of web developer who works in the area.
We joked about how most of the things I write are Kardashian-pieces and discovered we're from the same area back in Jersey. Eventually, I took a Chansey *bows* and asked for her number, and she said "yes."
Game day bucket go boom.
In reality, I probably was a lot less smooth than I'd like to remember because she literally said she gave it to me because I was honest about using Pokémon Go as a conduit to get women.
Honestly, though, I'll take it. A win's a win.
More importantly: I caught a CP 109 Pidgey, a low CP Poliwag and a CP 101 Gastly during my trip through the park. #Priorities