I just had a very bizarre experience, folks.
Due to some strange confluence of events, I found myself attending a screening of "The Fate of the Furious," despite the fact I have never seen any of the other movies in the "Fast & Furious" franchise.
Basically, all I knew about these films was the fact they star Vin Diesel, 500 exploding cars and everyone seems to love them (I still haven't worked out if the love is ironic or genuine yet, though).
Despite my admittedly limited knowledge of the Furious-iverse, I was pretty much never lost watching "F8"... except for the pang of missed opportunity I felt when I discovered the movie title isn't stylized "The F8 of the Furious."
Turns out, you don't have to watch the first seven exploding car movies to wrap your head around the complexities of the eighth exploding car movie. Who knew!?
Although I could follow the plot pretty easily, I was still shocked to discover a bunch of things that I did not know were going on in these movies for all these years — like apparently Kurt Russell is in these!?
Obviously, I was having a lot of reactions . Here are some of the things I realized or pondered while seeing my very first "Fast & Furious" movie... the eighth one:
1. OK, Vin Diesel and Michelle Rodriquez are dating in this thing. I think I knew this before, but I really don't like seeing it with my eyes.
2. I'm going to have to suspend a lot of disbelief to accept that Michelle Rodriguez would date Vin Diesel.
3. Oohh right The Rock is in this! Thank God.
4. The Rock is so funny in this. Is he funny in all of them? He should probably be the star instead of Vin, right?
5. Is everyone going to hate me because I don't like Vin Diesel as a leading man? Is that an unpopular opinion? I don't understand this world and I'm scared.
6. Huh? Is that Kurt Russell? He's in this? OK...
7. Wait, Tyrese is the comic relief guy? Tyrese the model? He's funny!? When did that happen!?
8. Michelle Rodriguez says all of her lines through gritted teeth.
9. OK wait, actually Jason Statham should be the star of these things. OMG he's so good in this!
10. I kinda want to watch all the other movies just for Jason Statham's character. Is he in the other ones??
11. Jason Statham's prison break scene is the best action scene in this whole movie, and it doesn't even involve cars!
12. Does Vin Diesel write these movies? It feels like literally everyone just hero worships his character the whole time.
13. OK, Vin definitely must've written this to make Michelle Rodriguez and Charlize Theron make out with him.
14. Ooohhh Vin is turning into the bad guy in this one!
15. Wait: Was that The Rock/Vin Diesel feud stuff all just promo for this movie since their characters turn on each other?
16. I already forgot Scott Eastwood is in this and he's on the screen right now. Yawn.
17. WAIT! There's a THIRD GIRL who's in love with Vin Diesel!?!? OK, Vin wrote this.
18. OH. MY. GOD. Helen Mirren!
19. That Helen Mirren scene was NOT long enough!
21. I kinda thought Ludacris was a bigger part of these movies?
22. I need to know if the "saying 'family' a million times" thing is like an intentional joke that Vin is aware he's making or not.
23. OK, this insane car chase is actually really exciting. I get why people get into this.
In the end, I feel like I learned a lot about life, the art and most importantly: myself.
Most of my thoughts would probably fall into the category of "Who Can We Recast Into Vin Diesel's Part," but despite my complete confusion at how this gravely-voiced Play-Doh man is somehow a serious action lead, I think I kinda enjoyed myself!