This Is What The Kardashians' Thanksgiving Convos Will Probably Sound Like

by Eitan Levine

If you think you have something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, just imagine how Kardashians probably feel.

On Thursday, millions of American families will surround their dining room tables, carve up a turkey and share what they are grateful for. It's a rare holiday tradition that requires everyone to put aside their insular differences for a few moments and really concentrate on all the good they have in their family.

There are very few families on the planet that have more good going on than the Kardashians, which means that their "what are you thankful for?" dinner moment is probably insane, AND YOU CAN READ WHAT THEY SAID BELOW!

JK, I don't have that level of Kardashian Sekurity Klearence. This is what I assume they said. I dare you to try and prove me wrong.


"Wow. I am grateful for family, friends, the lifestyle I get to live and lip kits, a thing I invented that deff isn't just two kinds of lip pens put into one box. I am also grateful for the Kardashian DNA in my body that let's me look like a younger, arguably more marketable version of my older half sister. Lastly, I am thankful for getting the chance to potentially be a technical mother-in-law/half-aunt/awkward-family-tree-talk-waiting-to-happen-thanks-to-the-fact-I'm-hooking-up-with-my-half-brother's-ex-fiancé-and-baby-daddy to whatever babies come out of Blac Chyna for now on."


"Wow. I am grateful for family, friends, the lifestyle I get to live and for getting to speak on every 4th episode of my family's reality sho-... Kris, why are you flashing a red light at me? That's it? I wasn't done thank-... Why is there an orchestra playing music as my microphone gets lower? Kris!"


"I am thankful for the idea of a day when I am released from this mortal prison I call my body."

Blac Chyna:

"BIIIIITCHHHHHH, I'M THANKFUL FOR *spends five minutes just pointing at fancy stuff around the house* I LUCKED THE HELL OUT! Y'ALL IDIOTS FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET RID OF ME NOW. *Blac Chyna gets really close to Rob's face* Never. Getting. Rid. Of. Me. Now. *a single solitary tear rolls down Rob's eye*"


"Yeah, what Blac Chyna said."


"Wow. I am grateful for family, friends, the lifestyle I get to live and revenge bodies. Revenge Bodies: the 'committing identity theft against an ex-boyfriend to financially ruin him and his loved ones' of wealthy hot women. Because if there is anyone that needs to suffer more, it's Lamar Odom. If that one-man prostitute and cocaine weekend festival he took part in didn't kill him, my really tight abs will. Also, I am legally required to be thankful for Fit Tea."


"Nothing. The year 2016 was a fucking nightmare, and it's a miracle I'm still alive."




"DANCE, PUPPETS, DANCE! MUAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, sorry. Wow. I am grateful for family, friends, the lifestyle I get to live, for my beautiful daughters, my adorable grandchildren, my amazing son, *summons all of the strength available to her under earth's yellow sun* my soon-to-be daughter in-law. In a weird way, I'm thankful for Taylor Swift not knowing how camera record buttons work and for Kanye being soooo marketably unpredictable. I humbly accept my role in his 2020 presidential Kanye cabinet. I too am also contractually obligated to be thankful for Fit Tea."

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!