This is the type of scoop I want you to specifically imagine I'm typing on an old timey typewriter instead of my dusty laptop. This lede is hot, hot, hot.
OK, you may believe the lunar landing was real or Paul McCartney is still alive and wasn't replaced by a look-alike (wake up, sheeple), but this conspiracy theory about Justin Bieber shapeshifting into a female lizard deserves your attention.
The story goes the Australian news website Perth Now allegedly published an article claiming hundreds of witnesses saw Canadian bad boy Justin Bieber transform into "a giant reptile."
Hundreds of Concert Goers Claim to have seen Justin Bieber Shape Shift into a Reptilian https://t.co/FexG0wWuXS pic.twitter.com/qhhB9Ch3Tc — DbTechno.com (@DbTechNo) March 16, 2017
Hundreds of witnesses and no one took out there phone to film Justin's Kafka-esque metamorphosis? Hey, it seems legit.
The article had one "witness" who allegedly claimed,
There were girls hiding in toilets, crying. Guys were running for the exits, jumping in taxis to get out of there.
Jesus, can you imagine being at this event that clearly did not happen? It sounds like a goddamn nightmare.
RIP those people in that pagoda murdered by Justin Bieber's lizard form. #NEVERFOGET
The insane story also claims Bieber's lizard form has a "black stripe down the middle." We can now identify the Biebs based on his tramp stamp. Cool.
Not only that, but the report suggests Bieber's "big scaly claws... lash out angrily." This seems to suggest Justin's claws are angry and can experience emotions. Like I said, this is the biggest news bombshell since the last Trump-Russia scandal development.
OK, let's get back to these witnesses. Where did they go? Are they speaking out?
Have they been silence by the Illuminati?
Your Newswire, which totally doesn't sound like a fake news site, claims to have heard from a "local skater" (legit!) who said he saw Bieber transform into his lizard form at Leederville skate park in Perth.
He was a skater boy, Bieber said, "HITHHHZ AEEEKKKKK," which is lizard-speak for "see you later, boy."
(Above is a GIF of Bieber in a swamp.)
The skater allegedly said,
He was hanging around with this big guy, his bodyguard I guess, and we were just staring because he kept turning into a huge reptile. His bodyguard was pointing at us, shouting that he'd kick our teeth in if we didn't put our phones away.
OK, kid. Where is this footage that will soon become more important than the Zapruder film? The world needs answers right now.
According to Your Newswire, Perth Now quickly deleted the article... but, surprise, Perth Now's editor Emily Moulton said,
[C]learly the 'article' screenshotted did NOT appear on PerthNow. Ever. There is no full URL and we don't use capitals for every word in headlines.
Hmm, OK, OK. Sure. I totally buy that.
You're cover isn't blown, Justin Bieber... yet.