I used to think Barbie was my homegirl.
Even though she didn't have nipples or a sense of humor, I still loved her like you would any imaginary friend.
I looked past her dull conversation and questionable outfit patterns and spent countless days and nights dressing her, courting her and making her have sex with Ken.
As the years went on, however, I realized this nippleless girl was really my enemy — an ageless model with the waist of a toddler and the body of a 22-year-old Dutch stripper.
She wasn’t my friend; she was my nightmare. She was the brainless high-school girl with all the attention.
With age came wisdom, however, and my anger eventually turned to reflection and pity. Pity for this poor girl, without a real vagina or a walk-in closet in her dream house.
A girl forced to make love to an uninteresting man and all of his friends. A girl who would never know what it’s like to dress for herself or to frown. A plastic woman who has yet to think, feel or love.
She's the empty woman walking down a fake street with a fake job and a fake smile. I don't want to be Barbie, who at 56, still has yet to experience life.
She may be timeless, but she hasn't grown much with the times.
Here are 56 things Barbie should really be asking for on her birthday:
1. A real meal instead of all that plastic mush she's forced to eat day after day.
2. Job security… not 50 constantly-changing ones.
3. Skin that actually tans.
4. Hair that isn’t so clearly synthetic (or so bleached).
5. A man with something to say.
7. A day without blue eyeshadow.
8. Her own life.
9. A man of her own choosing.
10. A friend for more than a day.
11. A jet that actually takes her somewhere -- like away from her overly-materialistic existence.
12. Friends who aren’t subjected to torture in the form of bad haircuts.
13. Clothes that aren’t from 1999, and pieces that make her feel good on "Fat Days."
14. A younger sister with a bonafide first name.
15. Parents. (Like the kind who'd tell her to change before leaving the house wearing that.)
16. Grandparents. (Who'd never let her even leave the house.)
17. A real car.
18. A political system -- and tangible, honest beliefs.
19. A bed that’s not as hard as plastic.
20. Some culture.
21. A working brain.
22. A new view.
24. Opposable thumbs.
25. A house that’s not made of someone else's dreams.
26. To look her age... or maybe to look older than her age.
27. A haircut on her terms.
28. Titillating conversation -- more than just the "Hi, Barbie," "Hi, Ken" we've all come to expect.
29. Friends who don't look exactly like her and who challenge her prepackaged thoughts.
30. Facial expressions.
31. An opinion.
32. Shoes that don’t kill her arches.
33. Body hair.
34. Real money.
35. Friends she makes on her own.
36. A day without fearing her head will be ripped off.
37. Adult beverages.
38. Dreams and goals.
39. A bank account.
40. A working television.
41. Pierced ears... or working ones
42. A tattoo of her choosing.
43. A body she actually has to work for.
44. Cell phone with actual reception.
45. A college education or at least a GED.
46. A bad hair day.
47. To feel pleasure.
48. A heartbeat.
49. A sense of humor.
50. A good laugh.
51. Sense of style.
52. A real first date... and then a really terrible one.
53. Bad days.
55. The chance to be whoever she wants to be and not some perfect little well-kept girl who never steps out of line.
56. A soul.