EXCUSE ME, HI, HELLO: IF THERE'S NO SHOT AT LOVE IN PARADISE THEN WHERE THE SWEET, GLISTENING SHIT CAN A PERSON FIND ETERNAL COMPANIONSHIP???
Monday night's episode of “Bachelor In Paradise” was the closest thing the “Bachelor” franchise has ever come to airing their own Red Wedding. It saw the voluntary departure of three contestants.
Come on, the tropics. I mean, really. Look sharp, Mexico. Don't promise romance and go ripping everyone's pulpy little hearts in two. Get it together, Sayulita. For LOVE.
During the rose ceremony, twins Haley and Emily basically insinuated they were bored with the current dude spread and would rather cut their 15 minutes of fame short than participate in any further charades with these men and their sunburnt penises.
Through tears, Haley told her fellow castmates,
The sisters left their roses to die and Daniel, Ryan and Carl were sent home.
If that wasn't enough of a mass exodus, Ashley inserted herself into Caila and Jared's business, which was apparently all it took to stress Caila right the hell off the show.
Will Jared's heart dry up like a crusty little cookie and crumble without Caila? Or will he just bone Ashley, now? WHEN WILL SOMEONE MAKE A DEEP, ENDLESSLY BINDING, EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING?
IDK, I guess stay tuned.