Understanding Men Isn't As Simple As You Think
I'm not one for trying to change people.
I give a little credit in life to fate, and a lot to free will. I understand people choose how they act, react and live their lives. As a third party to that, I understand I can really only control my own agenda.
Who I am, is the girl who thinks she understands you. I believe I am the one that gets you. I see your good and your kindness beneath the tough top layer. I see the sadness behind your anger. I recognize why you are the way you are.
I ignore warnings about you and your reputation. I am conflicted when you don't get along with my friends. I want them to see what I have caught a glimpse of: the fears that keep you withdrawn, the depth with which you can care, the warmth and affection you're able to show.
I want the world to understand you like I do.
And there it is. I want the world to understand you like I do.
I want change the opinion of the masses to the single opinion that I have formed.
I will continue to disregard your list of faults because I want to feel like I am the individual that gets why you are the way you are.
My best friend was the first to point this out to me when we were 15. “You see the good in everyone,” she would say. “It's one of my favorite things about you. But, he's an asshole. Stop wasting your time.” She was right, and should also teach a class on how to bait and switch.
But it's hard; walking away feels like giving up on someone who needs to be heard.
That's what it feels like, but that's is not what it is.
Fortunately, in the past 10 years, I have met a lot of genuine people, I have learned to hold my own and I have grown immensely. (Read: I now know everything there is to know about everything!) But, I still slip up – and so, I still get it.
When you feel like you're holding on because you're the only one who understands him, remember a few things:
1.The world isn't against you
We live in our own worlds, surrounded by people who care about us. Yet, when we hear our loved ones speak poorly of the person we're dating, we become defensive. We act as if he is the victim to an unprovoked attack.
Your friend isn't out to ruin your relationship. Your mom doesn't want you to be single forever. Your roommate isn't spiteful because you now have someone else to watch movies with. If the people in our lives are collectively up in arms about whom we're spending our time with, please recognize that that means something.a
If the same friend who celebrated a promotion with you sat on the phone when you found out a relative passed away, or held your hair back after a night of drinking is digging their heels in about your relationship, their opinion is not coming from a place of resentment.
True friends are happy when they see you happy. The same goes for unhappiness.
2. Everyone is not wrong
Patterns reveal a lot. Actually, I will go as far as to say patterns reveal the truth. Mistakes and slip-ups happen, and they are just that, as long as they are not repetitive.
If multiple people have had a negative experience with how he treats women or handles conflict, it means he treats women and handles conflict poorly.
If multiple people have accounts of how he has hurt them, it means he has been hurtful to multiple people.
If an entire social media platform tells you not to waste your time watching the final season of "Dexter," do NOT start the final season of "Dexter." (If you take away one piece of advice, it is this.)
Your refusal to believe what others point out does not make you wise and patient; it makes you hopeful and optimistic against mounds of evidence. Sometimes people understand things before you do, hear them out.
3. You can still find good in openly good people
The appeal of the “bad boy” is that you're the one who gets through to him. It's that you've accomplished something, that you've found something that no one else has. You are the Dr. Dre that gave yellow jumpsuit Eminem a chance!
Just wait until it clicks for everyone else...right?
Here's the thing: Being a good, humble human should not be something that is hidden. Being a respectable and decent person is not something that should be reserved for only the elite members of his life. Humanity deserves consideration and kindness; not just the girl that decided to put up with his angst long enough.
You do not need to settle for someone who acts as if this behavior is a reward.
People who are kind and humble off the bat are not less appealing because they are upfront about who they are. People who do not make you work to find their softness are not dull or simple. They are good. They are worthy of your love. Quite frankly, they are more deserving of it. It is genuine and non-circumstantial.
We live in a big world where lines are blurred and comparison is constant. It's easy to want to fall into a position where we feel like we are the “one person who can…” do anything. But this shouldn't be it.
Even if you are the one who gets through to him, the one person that he can show kindness and compassion to, realize what that says. That he only feels the need to show kindness and compassion to one person.
Put your energy into someone who is not afraid, ashamed or disinterested in showing those qualities to others, to his friends, to your friends, to your families.
You should not feel like you have to compartmentalize a relationship. You should be able to share that happiness with others, and when they feel it's someone who genuinely will make you happy, they will share it right back.