I’m a single mom with a 3-year-old son, and I won’t date someone who has kids. Yes, you read that right.
If that’s not enough to make you think I’m a hypocritical bitch, let me venture even further.
My son lives with me 100 percent of the time, seven days a week, 24 hours a day. Anyone I date would be highly involved in his life. I won’t even consider dating someone unless he treated him really, really well.
But if he has his own kids, it’s game over.
Why, you ask? Let’s back up.
For the longest time, after having my son and raising him on my own, I thought I’d be destined to settle for someone with a tribe of his own children. Single moms end up with single dads, right?
That’s often the case, but it sounds like a far cry from a fairy tale ending to me.
I have only one child, who I love and adore more than life itself. But I’m really not interested in acquiring more children.
After several failed attempts to adjust my relationship goals to this idea of a blended family, I finally got honest with myself (and the people I was dating). Let's just say, it didn’t go over well for the few people I had gone on dates with.
The conversations went something like this: “Hey. I’ve had fun getting to know you, but at this point, I need to be honest. I’m really not interested in dating someone who has a kid. Some people just aren’t cut out for that. I’m one of them. Best of luck.”
Based on the responses I got, I damn near-rivaled Donald Trump for the title of up-and-coming super villain.
But here are the reasons anyway:
1. Very few people are cut out to treat someone else’s child like their own.
The problem with many relationships is most people don’t outwardly admit this.
How many times have you been on the receiving end of a friend or family member bitching and moaning about his or her significant other's child, while simultaneously forcing a happy face when the kid is around?
I’ve literally lost count how many times I’ve seen this scenario play out.
Boy and girl fall in love. One person is obviously not fond of the other’s child, but tries to sweep the rising resentment under the rug “in the name of love.”
A year or two (or 10) down the road, and the couple is headed for splits-ville, due to “irreconcilable differences” (aka kid issues). Could've seen that one coming.
2. If I wanted another woman in my life, I would invite one.
This seems pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll elaborate.
Ninety percent of the time, where there’s a baby, there’s a baby mama. And far too often, where there’s a baby mama, there’s baby mama drama.
Ain’t nobody got time for that!
If I wanted another woman in my relationship, I would invite one. Plain and simple.
It’s hard enough to find one person I want to date, let alone having to pacify someone’s ex to keep the relationship happy.
Call me selfish, but I think I’ll pass.
3. My current goals aren’t conducive to having multiple children.
My son is the funniest, cutest, smartest, most extraordinary little human I’ve ever encountered. (Yeah, I’m biased. But this seems to be the general consensus from everyone who meets him.) I’d seriously be pushing my luck by attempting to bring another child into my life. Two little humans that perfect don’t come along twice. That includes other people’s children. Since he was a baby, my son has traveled with me, gone to business seminars with me and literally done everything with me. I don’t live a typical lifestyle, nor would I ever want to.
The jet-set lifestyle works with one kid, but not so well with two or more. It might be doable, but I’d rather not attempt it.
The bottom line is, most people aren’t honest about what they really want out of life and relationships. This is why so many people fall victim to the "if you really love him, then you’ll overlook X, Y and Z" mentality.
I call bullsh*t. If you really love yourself, you wouldn’t settle for things you don’t want to begin with.
Start by being honest with yourself and with what you really want. Who cares what other people think about your standards? Life is meant to be enjoyed, not tolerated. Settling is no longer a part of my routine. It shouldn’t be a part of yours, either.
I’m not some kid-hating, hypocritical monster. I’m just honest. So many others can’t find a way to be.
I have overwhelming respect for anyone raising kids on their own because I know it can be a tough gig. But at this point, dating someone who has children of his own just doesn’t fit with my life goals.
My son and I have a good thing going right now. If someone single and kid-free comes into our lives who can add to that, maybe I’ll partner up.