Zero-Sum Game: Women Guard Sex, Men Guard Commitment, No One Wins

Dating is a sick, sick disgusting game. It really is. I mean, in order of worst games, it goes something like: boxing, hockey, then dating.

There are two opposing sides with one clear winner and one obvious loser.

It’s a game of high stakes, both opponents going in knowing that there's a high probability they will come out the other side wounded and beaten, if not bleeding out. It’s f*cking dangerous and you have to be insane to want to play.

But we’re a little insane, aren’t we? We all crave drama and high risk. We like to gamble, smoke and drink. We like to live life on the edge, so why not partake in one of the most dangerous games? Why not throw yourself in the ring?

Because even with the facts in front of you and the bodies lying mangled on the ground, there’s always that small chance you’ll win and take home all the glory.

So here’s how to play the game. The woman stands on one side, guarding her goal: sex. The man stands on the other side, guarding his goal: commitment.

Each player is not to let the other person score in his/her net. The first one who lets in a goal loses.

The rules that apply are such:

1. You cannot score in anyone else's net during the game. 2. There are no substitutions. 3. You cannot score more than once.

It’s pretty straightforward. If Tod is playing a game with Jane, he can’t go score in Sally’s goal. Tod also can’t switch Jane’s goal in the middle of the game to Sally’s goal and Tod can’t score five times in Jane's goal without at least texting goodbye.

Back when our parents used to play, if Tod wanted to have consistent sex, he’d have to marry Jane. If Jane wanted a committed relationship, all she had to do was withhold sex.

Basically, Jane would play some damn good defense until Tod got bored and just let her score.

While the strategy doesn’t work in every case, it’s like a pick and roll -- a solid attempt has a high probability of working on a weaker team.

Over the years, however, the rules began to change as new developments were made. No longer is it the classic game of first to score, but a game of cat and mouse with some Russian roulette, and free range shooting on the side.

It’s like Tod picking up the puck in the middle of the game and throwing it into some girls net on a court five blocks down the street. Where’s the referee? Where’s the foul? Come on! You must be joking!

Sorry, but I didn’t see anything. There may as well be no referee, no spectators and no rules at all. It’s a free-for-all with men deciding they really don’t need to play with girls who won’t let them win. They can go win in some other girl's court.

There’s no dignity left to it, no class. When the second opponent gets tired, he or she can just quit before it's officially a loss. Judging by the way the game's been going lately, here's our analysis of the way men and women now score on each other in 2014.

How men score on women

There's no denying the new lack of rules works in favor for the men's side. With a very high winning streak since Instagram and Tinder came into play, they lead the league with a tremendous amount.

Their new tactics include falling back on texting when things get too close and playing very defense heavy. They've added Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat to their defense and offense, making sure they are never letting their opponents too close to the net.

Along with a very solid defense, they've been racking up goals in unprecedented amounts. Their new way of shooting is through multiple shot succession. They can take five or six shots at a time, sometimes scoring on two nets at one time.

Their leading scorer is Tinder who always comes through, even on a Tuesday. They've even been showing up with some new fancy tricks lately, like direct messaging through Instagram and Twitter shout outs.

There's also no age limit for men in this game. They don't get ostracized or played out by 35, but can stay in the game for as long as they can hack it.

They can choose to just stand there and wait for their opponents to forfeit or settle for a player who will let them score... many times called "a wait out."

The winning men will then find younger opponents to score on, choosing weaker and weaker players as they go through the rounds.

How women score on men

They don't.

Photo Courtesy: Tamara Lichtenstein