If you're anything like me, the idea of kissing your significant other in public makes your skin crawl and your palms sweat.
Of course, you love your SO, and you don't want your relationship to be hidden from the world, but certain interactions really should just not be expressed publicly — ever.
Along with my disgust of the beloved "butt grab," there are several reasons why I believe public displays of affection -- aka, PDA -- are terrible.
Allow me to divulge:
1. Privacy. Privacy. More Privacy.
As if this one isn't self-explanatory, I don't like others involved in my love life, and you shouldn't either.
Once someone sees you kiss my neck or sneak in a smack on my rear end, do you know what that signals in his or her mind?
“Look at them, being all in love and whatnot.” “But why does she look so terrified?” “He's probably only with her for sex.” “Eh, or maybe I'm just bitter.”
See where I'm going with this? People love to make up their own personalized storylines about other people's relationships based off what they witness.
Don't get me wrong; I want people to know of my relationship, but I don't want them to know anything about it.
2. Not Your Typical Touchy-Feely Girl
You know how cats don't like to be touched and they'd rather just sit and stare, instead? Think of me as a cat with two legs instead of four.
I have never really been a physically affectionate person, partly because the majority of my past relationships have been long-distance and I never really had to touch my significant other.
Sure, I'm fine with the basics like hand-holding and a hug here and there, maybe a peck -- EMPHASIZE peck.
But once we enter uncharted territory that entails my boyfriend and me slobbering all over each other's faces, I'm going to have to draw the line.
Better yet, erase the whole line and rid every memory of its existence. I like my space and think we both should have it.
With that being said, I am not a monkey bars playset; hanging all over me is an extreme no-no.
Come to think of it, this rule isn't even exclusive to my romantic relationships. I don't like being touched excessively, in general, especially not in public. It's just not my thing.
3. Everyone Hates “That Couple”
Seriously, everyone despises and is totally disgusted with that one couple who doesn't know when to stop fondling each other.
If you're one of those couples who basically has sex in public, it's time to sit down and reevaluate some of your life choices.
I remember a time when I was in high school, standing in one of the cafeteria lunch lines; behind me, there was a couple who essentially established a second home in each other's mouths and pants. In public. Meaning, in front of everyone. With no shame.
If you think the image you have in your head is disturbing, just imagine how it must have been to actually be a spectator.
Due to the joy of the uncomfortably obvious avoidance of turning around to look at them for more than three seconds, I permanently marked them number one on my list of things I never want to be.
So, please, my future mate, let's do everyone – and ourselves – a favor, and never be that couple.
4. Social Awkwardness
I'm all for not caring what other people think when it comes to things out of my control.
I can't control my obnoxious laugh, which resembles that of Elmo. I can control myself by not making a soft porno on aisle six of Walmart.
Picture this: You're trying to buy your kid that new Teen Titans action figure, and who's blocking the shelf? That couple again. This time, there's no way to avoid them.
What does this mean? You now have to uncomfortably get their attention long enough that they can successfully pull away from each other's faces to address your concern.
Then, when they finally do move approximately three inches over after giving you a sly smirk, you have to stand there and figure out which toy you want, all while they're still “expressing their love” right next to you.
Yes, love is beautiful, but must it be beautiful in front of the DC Comics kids section?
Another thing, literally everyone who walks by that couple feels like they're driving by a bad car accident; you don't want to look, but you just can't believe it's actually happening.
One second, you're discussing what you had for dinner last night with Johnny; the next second, you have a front seat to a scene straight out of "Fifty Shades of Grey."
Let's just all agree that being a step away from undressing your significant other in a Walmart shopping aisle isn't exactly the Cinderella story.
5. Prolonged Attention = Living Nightmare
Last, but certainly not least, is the most obvious reason of why I'm anti-PDA: I hate attention. All of it.
In fact, I hate it so much, I have considered hiring a stunt dummy to be me at my own wedding.
The bare thought of people looking at my significant other and I while we kiss or embrace in an intimate hug makes me want to crawl into a dark hole and never come out.
Some people have trust issues; I have embarrassment issues.
Adding to the list of things that make me a certified introvert is my fear of being in the spotlight.
My past experiences dealing with PDA have left a sour taste in my mouth, figuratively and literally. The experience that stands out the most in my memory, however, is a time when I was, once again, only a mere observer of such an unpleasant scene.
There I was, little old me, minding my business at the movie theater, when, suddenly, I hear clapping and cheering coming from a few feet away. In my head, I'm thinking, "Oh, someone must have proposed, how cute!"
Boy, was I wrong.
Cautiously, I walk over and what do I see? A huge crowd surrounding a couple, engaged in the most rated-R make-out session I've ever seen. I mean, I'm talking full-on, tonsil-to-tonsil, thigh-to-waist action here.
The entire crowd is staring at them, urging them on, and I'm the only one who's standing still, watching in disgust and embarrassment.
Why I was embarrassed for them, I honestly don't know. If it had been me who was basically receiving CPR from my boyfriend, I wouldn't have been able to walk out of the theater without keeping my face so low to the ground, the dirt would be jealous.
The bottom line is, if you read any of these aforementioned reasons and said to yourself, "Hey! Me and [insert mate's name here] just did that last week," please know that while I still love you from afar, I won't be attending any of your weddings for the sake of my easily sickened stomach.